meals: greatest hits

These are some of the food pictures I emailed to my envious friends before I thought to put them up here (most recent first).

I made this cake for my family when I visited them over Labor Day weekend:
For a week or so, I was making avocado and roasted pepper spring rolls for lunch:

You can't see much of the food, but for this birthday party I made veggie subs, vegan chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, and margarita chiffon cake.

I ate this mango, too.

This was my entry for Iron Chef Urbana. Nobody really dug my "rustic home cooking" theme, so I lost to the fancy seafood dishes. But actually the twice-baked sweet potato with grapefruit on top was really good. Next time I might make it with some kind of grapefruit glaze, so it's easier to eat.


I ate this for breakfast a couple of times:

dinner

I've been taking pictures of my meals and sending them to people. They are invariably envious of whatever I'm eating. So I thought I'd start blogging about food instead of sending email - that way the envy could be less exclusive.
Today I made a version of this zucchini kurma, from one of my new favorite food websites. I used patty pan squash, though, because it's always been my favorite and I brought some back with me from Michigan.

I chopped all the vegetables...


Then I had to fry some onions and spices...


Here it is bubbling away with all the vegetables added...


I finally ate it with rice and some leftover potatoes. Don't you wish you were also eating my favorite squash?

the Bed

My parents dropped by yesterday on their way to take my youngest brother to school in Mississippi, and they brought me a bedroom set. I had one, but they wanted to trade - they get a bigger one for the guest room, I get a smaller one that can fit better in my apartment. The great thing is, my new bed is the Best Bed In The World. It's old, it's pretty, it's soft, it's tall, it's comfortable, it's the best. It has a decorative knob at the top that wobbles if you move around a lot. It's simultaneously endearing and annoying; I think I'll just keep the knob in the closet.

I admit it's also nice to have something to put my clothes in. But I'm really mostly excited about the Bed.

fairytale logic / magical reasoning

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ended exactly the way I expected it to. Every last loose end tied up the way I personally would have tied it. Do I know from narrative conventions, or what?

one good thing

A lot of things have happened, but one minor positive is that I can have green hair again.

week-ender

Sunday morning I read Ender's Game, which Matt gave me for Christmas. For a long time, I'd been planning on reading it but the time never seemed right. That's partly because I have weird behavior when it comes to books - I know if I start reading one, I'll read it as continuously as possible until it's finished. Stupid analogy: when that happens I think of the West Wing episode where Leo is explaining how he can't just have one drink - he has to get smashed. I have to... get book-smashed. But anyway, I think this reading style is part of the reason I haven't finished certain books: long, complex things like Gravity's Rainbow or Ulysses physically can't be read the way I got used to reading when I was a kid. I did a good job pacing myself with Norwegian Wood; maybe this summer I could take on an intimidating book without reverting to marathon reading sessions and long, forgetful rests.

events

Classes ended for the school year. I partied for four days straight, made some new friends, was hung over, took some finals, got a blue belt in BJJ, and threw a party for my graduating friend.

The BJJ thing is a big deal to me. Belts aren't easy to come by. I'd been a white belt for two years, and I do actually put some work into it. I feel like this is something I have to live up to. I don't feel like I am as good now as the blue belts I know were when they were my "age." Maybe that's because they and I have been improving, so we don't have an objective measure of how good anyone is or was. I feel like I have responsibilities now. Mostly they involve being a good "big sister" type to new people, and working hard so I don't suck at BJJ myself. The Indianapolis tournament is going to be a whole new animal now.

towering

Back in high school I used to be a non-actor in the drama club. I stage managed and built sets, worked the lights, and designed a few things. A few days ago I dreamed I was visiting my high school and there was some sort of drama emergency - they needed me to do some backstage stuff.

I had a few minutes to prepare for the show, so I was walking around taking charge. I was standing in the audience, and saw R. from BJJ standing on the next step down from me. I went over to say hi, and he scowled and said, "Don't tower over me like that." I think it's weird that somebody would show up in my dream just to scold me for being tall.

finals month

This month is disgustingly hard. I'm close to the end, but I'm going to be pretty unhappy between now and then. At least I'll never have to do it again - I have two classes' worth of credit left to take, and I'm not going to take them in the same semester.

After classes end, Porn Chowder is playing on May 5th - what a great day to have a show! I wonder if they know any songs in Spanish.

Also, I ran 2.5 10-minute miles today. I know I ran 3 miles a while ago, but those were slower. I could probably have pushed it to 3 today, but running is kind of boring.

off the mat(s)

Some yoga teachers like to classify life into "on the mat" (yoga related) and "off the mat" (not yoga). But those phrases also have a parallel BJJ meaning, so whenever yoga people say that I always get distracted trying to reconcile the fact that anytime I do yoga I am both on and off the mat simultaneously, depending on how you define "the mat". I don't really have this problem when BJJ people use the expression, because I hear it a lot more often in that context.

When's Porn Chowder going to play again? I heard it was in the first week or so of May, but I need to know. I need a countdown.

stereotype threat

That study I read a while ago about stereotype threat, besides pointing out that if you imply that blondes are stupid they'll do worse on math tests, also had interesting points about how people can be defended against stereotype threat. I think the main thing was that if you tell people a stereotype exists but science has shown that it isn't true, they don't have problems. I don't remember exactly.

So I've been wondering: my project for the teaching class is about differences in confidence, expectations, and performance between male and female engineering majors. Am I stereotype-threatening myself? Or am I defending myself against stereotypes by educating myself about the causes of observed differences?

Also, the lab I'm taking in the fall is at the same time as the 5th-semester Chinese class. So it turns out I have to learn Portuguese. I can always take more Chinese next year.

os alquimistas dao le

Should I take a fifth semester of Chinese in the fall, or should I learn Portuguese? I'm considering it because I've heard the next Chinese classes focus a lot more on reading and less on speaking. I think speaking is more fun, so I'm kind of disappointed by that. Also, since I am into BJJ there is some incentive for me to learn some Portuguese. I'd probably be a quick study, too, because I used to be pretty good at French.

lady-specific ailments

Guys, I'm not shy. If you don't want to hear about boobs and things, wait until I post something else.

Turns out that the reason I was so hungry last week was that girl week just started. Strange things happen to me around that time. I don't really have the stereotypical cranky-and-crying thing. Usually not much happens, but the sudden eating streak was unusual and worthy of comment.

Additionally, I went to jiujitsu today, sweated a lot, and then got really cold. I took off my under-armor shirt and just wore the t-shirt around in hopes that I would warm up, but it didn't work: my bra was cold. There's no resolving that problem.

Also I forgot to drink my tea again. This time it just got cold, not bitter.

just in time, too

I just ran three miles. In a row.

sick is the new well

I was sick this weekend, so I didn't hang out with people very much. It's amazing how much I can get done when I'm avoiding doing anything. I caught up on some homework and made soup. I'm very proud of this soup and plan to eat it for lunch all week. I'm not totally done with all my homework yet, but I am also not feeling as frustrated as when I took three weeks to do one problem, because those two problems are done.

I also returned a vetoed bridesmaid dress, and my fight shorts have been shipped. I'm especially excited about the shorts. I bet I'll have them by Saturday. I hope I am feeling better enough tomorrow that I can enjoy BJJ.

Do I want to be a professor at a gigantic research university? I've always assumed I do, but I think that's because everyone assumes that is what PhD students want. Would I be happier at a smaller tech college or something? The truth is, I don't want to work hard in a discouraging environment with the threat of failure hanging over me at every turn. And it's beginning to sound like that's how it'd feel, competing for tenure with half a dozen other young faculty.

winners get shorts

These are the shorts I wanted that have been listed online as out of stock for months. I sent the site an email and asked when they might have more of them, and their response was that they already do! I ordered some yesterday. I imagine they'll arrive in a week or so.

Also, I left the bag in my tea for too long and now it's really bitter.

pation

I thought when I got back from the Pan Ams I wouldn't be so distracted anymore, but I was wrong. My plane arrived in Champaign from LA at about 1:30 Sunday night. The traveling was rough, but everything else about this weekend was so good that I still can't concentrate on work.

FIGHTING FACTS

First and foremost, Team McV competed ridiculously well. We brought home a pile of medals and were the second place team in the white belt competition. Second, I personally did ridiculously well, taking gold in a 5-person division. Third, the weekend was also really fun off the mat. Here's the story.

In the weeks leading up to the tournament, my guard suddenly stopped working so well. In retrospect, it was probably because everyone else started training harder. But at the time, I was worried: guard used to be what I was good at! I started thinking maybe I should switch and try to play the top at the tournament instead.

I was still mulling this over as my first match started. I hesitated, and the other girl jumped guard. It wasn't a great jump - I got her feet open reasonably quickly and started to pass. But she had me in a gogoplata for a little while, which was surprising and very uncomfortable. I'd never seen it before, and it took me a while to figure out what was going on and how to get out of it. I passed and took mount, she actually slipped out backwards, and I mounted her again. I was pretty tired at this point (still coughing from the choke), but I looked over at the guys on my team and they were all motioning for me to hold still because time was short. I probably would have done something stupid if not for them.

After that first match I realized I would really rather play from the bottom, so in my second match I jumped guard right away. Take that! She tried to pass, but instead set herself up to get triangled. I was still tired from getting choked by the first girl, coughing whenever I breathed too hard, so I was glad to have the match finish early.

I think my third match was really weird. I jumped guard and got my hands in for a cross-collar choke right away. My grip was ok - she could defend it, but if she didn't defend it I'd choke her. She defended it but couldn't make me let go, and I held on to that cross-collar for a really long time. At one point her face turned kind of purple and she waved her arms weakly - I was sure she was going to tap - but then she suddenly recovered. Damn! At that point I let go because I wanted to sweep her, but as soon as I did she opened up her neck again. I replaced the choke. I had gotten an advantage from something or other, and my guys were all on the side telling me to wait it out. I wasn't so sure (what if she passes and gets two points?) but I was also very tired, so I did what they said. It turned out ok - she pretty much couldn't move with the choke on anyway. That was the first time I have ever won by advantage. After the match was over, Adrienne said I held that same choke for something like three minutes. My hands were pretty tired.

Speaking of, Adrienne did really well herself in the blue belt division, and she said flattering things about me in her blog.

Competition feels different from practice. In practice everybody's got their individual goals, so you're working and you are together but you're not really working together. In competition, for 5 minutes everybody concentrates on winning one match at a time. Teammates keep time for you, encourage you, help you with strategy, and tell you the score. It's great to be on the mat with a bunch of guys backing you up, and it's also really fun to support your teammates when they're competing. Tournaments make the school seem more like a team.

OFF THE MAT STUFF

But when we weren't at the tournament watching or doing BJJ, we had some adventures. Everyone squeezed into Jimmy's car and we hit the Cheesecake Factory for some snacks, since nobody was trying to make weight anymore. There was also plenty of tequila and other drinks to go around. Feanil required that we take a trip to the beach, so that came right afterward. Somehow, when I got back everyone knew that I fell down while we were running to the ocean, but nobody knew it was because I was catching up to Jimmy and stepped on his foot. That is what happens when someone else tells the story first. But Jimmy is a cool guy, and probably singlehandedly responsible for everyone having such a good time Saturday. I hope he comes around sometime so we can order him some cookies - he was mesmerized by the idea that you can get them delivered.

I wanted to go BJJ shopping while we were there - I need to get some fight shorts - but it didn't happen. Maybe I'll just buy some online, but I am concerned that they'll fit weirdly, because they all say things like "new design to better accommodate you when you are wearing a cup!" Uh, thanks but no thanks, guys.

it helps to have company

From this post at Pandagon about why feminism is good for men, too:

The other side of the exercise and diet analogy is that healthy lifestyles tend to be easier and more rewarding in the collective. Eating better is much more fun if you have people who like the same food you do. Exercising is better around people who value it like you do. Feeling better is much more rewarding if you live with people who can keep up. Same with feminism—men who live in communities where their male friends are also feminist-minded and where they can have those meaningful relationships and friendships with feminist women tend to have a lot more reasons to embrace feminism. There’s not much reward to it if you have no access to women you can have those deeper relationships with and your male friends give you non-stop hell for your beliefs.

I've definitely noticed that it's easier to be virtuous in a lot of ways if everyone else around you is, too. It's even possible to be accidentally virtuous. For instance, I've been accidentally vegetarian for weeks at a time, just because I hang out with vegetarian people. I think that as feminists increase in number, accidental feminism will similarly become more common.

antici

I'm passing the time before F. and I leave for LA. First I was at work, but I couldn't concentrate, so I went home. But everything that can be packed has been packed, so I'm not sure what to do here either. Also! My shirts arrived today. I dress so snappy.

Yesterday in my teaching class, we discussed an article about the effects of unexamined assumptions on the classroom environment. Teachers can assume things about how learning works, the effectiveness of certain teaching methods, and even their relationship to their students and their schools. We talked about some kinds of assumptions that can be accidentally harmful. For instance: "teaching is a vocation, a calling, and I would do it for nothing." This one makes teachers feel good about themselves for being teachers, but also creates an obligation to put up with being overworked and earning low salaries. It also can make teachers profoundly guilty for not being constantly elated about their jobs. (Just like the similar assumption that everyone who is a mother loves being one.)

We also discussed some assumptions that were not mentioned by the article, and one of them was particularly interesting to me. I think engineering departments assume that "engineering education is intended to prepare students to be useful to their employers." At first this didn't seem so unusual, but I think in other disciplines it's more common for students to study the subject for its own sake, or because they want to put it to their own personal use. Literature, math, and languages are all subjects whose faculties think students are studying for more intrinsic reasons.

I think assuming that the purpose of engineering education is utility to corporate interests is particularly harmful, because educators are assuming that students aren't intrinsically motivated. It may even imply that students shouldn't be intrinsically motivated. Students tend to catch on to and adopt the assumptions of their instructors, so I think this assumption is likely to lead to students who don't have a personal stake in the profession. I don't think having a financial stake in it (in the form of a future job) counts the same way; in that sense the pressure to get good grades is a little bit like economic coercion. So when teachers assume students are studying the subject just to get jobs, the students themselves may be more likely to view their work as uninteresting and not personally relevant.

All registered athletes are in the list below

I leave for the Pan Ams this Thursday evening. My matches will be sometime Friday afternoon. I'm so excited! Now I have to go work out.

technology works as designed

I went for a run this morning with my new iPod. It was a lot easier and more fun than running with no music! Just like it's supposed to be! I wish the headphones had a clip, though -- the weight of the wire bouncing around sometimes causes them to wiggle out of my ears.

intrinsic aptitude my ass

I'm working on the references for the final project in a class on "College Teaching and Academic Careers." The project is a research proposal about classroom research; I'm writing mine about gender differences in participation styles. Having noticed that women often don't raise their hands and are more passive when doing group work, I want to come up with and test what I've named "low-stakes participation."

The whole thing seems to be a problem of confidence - active participation in class and small groups both builds and requires confidence. So maybe lowering the confidence requirement for participation will help train students (and women in particular) to be more confident in their ability.

Anyway, the article I am reading right now (Felder et al., "A longitudinal study of engineering student performance and retention: III. Gender differences in student performance and attitudes") keeps dropping bombs like this:

The converse question was also posed, i.e., what the most likely reason would be if the students performed above their expectations in the course (Table 10). Hard work was cited by the highest percentages of both men and women, but men were consistently more likely to report their own ability as the most likely factor while in four of five courses women were more likely to cite help or support from someone else. These attribution patterns match those observed by Fennema and Leder [25], who found that female mathematics students tend to attribute failure to themselves and success to help from others while male students tend to do the opposite.

Later on:

In the second semester of their senior year, the men remaining in the experimental course sequence were twice as likely as women to feel that they did more than their fair share in their groups and the women were significantly more likely to feel that their contributions were undervalued or ignored by other group members. This feeling is similar to one expressed by female Radcliffe College students, who reported that too often their contributions in small mixed study groups were not valued and so they preferred to study by themselves.

Yikes. And this, from a different article:

[Jacquelynne Eccles] found that even though girls got better math grades than boys, parents of daughters reported that math was more difficult for their child than parents of sons. For the math success of boys, parents rated talent and effort as equally important. For the math success of girls, parents said hard work was much more important than math talent. Ultimately, these young women have a lower opinion of their abilities in math and science and in their general intellectual abilities, even though they average higher college GPAs than young men.

And!

While boys quickly jump into a role and compete with one another to get their colleagues' attention and admiration, girls want to be in a group with people they like, and tend to wait to be invited or encouraged to assume roles.

Multiple sources and situations point to symptoms of the same disease. Lack of confidence and passivity are more common in women than in men, and they contribute negatively to learning.

Everyone agrees that group work is good, but how can instructors make sure confident students don't steamroll timid ones? In discussions with the whole class, the instructor can be there to guide the discussion and ask for contributions from students that need to be invited to participate. Small groups don't have the benefit of a facilitator like that.

Speedy!

I don't want to jinx it, but I think the weather has warmed up for good now. Even the ten-day forecast is in the 50s and 60s. Great news, because I just fixed my bike like you would not believe.

I'd been riding around with worn-out back brakes for a month or so - I could only use the front ones. Horribly unsafe, I know. This weekend I replaced the brake pads, and it's amazing how fast I can stop.

A week or so ago, it also came to my attention that there was some shifting trouble. I noticed the cable going into the shifter looked a little frayed, so at first I just tried replacing that. But the shifter itself had a very tiny, very important plastic nub broken off on the inside. This must have happened at some point before I noticed the problem (perhaps due to overzealously trying to shift) or maybe even while I was taking it apart to replace the cable. I spent the weekend messing with cables before I realized the shifter was broken, but it was absolutely no trouble to replace yesterday.

Last night I zipped over to Bdon's house and was reminded of the difference a sealed bottom bracket makes. Some things are so quietly good that you can only notice them when everything else is working properly.

I also got myself some fun bike accessories: a bell, so I don't have to ruin my bike-mood by shouting "get off the bike path" at people; a helmet that fits my head right, so I don't have to feel guilty for not wearing the old one that would just fall off anyway; and a great new red windbreaker that isn't intended specifically for cycling but works fabulously. It's even cut long in the back so my lower back doesn't get cold.

At work yesterday I mentioned my shifter story to R. (because I had the replacement in my bag at the time) and she said, "You take really good care of your bike, don't you?" People are surprised when you are a bike commuter and take good care of your bike, but nobody blinks when drivers take good care of their cars.

The thing is, I have to take good care of my bike. If I let something on my bike stay broken, it's unpleasant to ride, and then I'd rather just take the bus. Ewwwww, the bus. If I could make it more pleasant to ride in the winter, I'd even do it then. Not when there's snow in the road, though, because I'm worried about skidding. Maybe some ski goggles and one of those face hoods would help the rest of the time. My main problem is the killer wind.

Speaking of unpleasant to ride, Matt's bike was broken for more than a year before he even tried to fix it. He'd been in a crash, and I guess when he fell he landed on the frame and bent it. It was not repairable. But before he got a shop to look at it, he was in limbo and couldn't start the process of preparing to replace the fallen soldier. G. has a book about motivation, and one of the interesting facts in it is that if you promise to help people but put them on a waiting list, the people on the waiting list actually improve more slowly than people who express interest but don't get put on a waiting list. Basically, if you tell them to wait before you'll help them, they won't help themselves in the meantime. But people who are not waiting will improve on their own. Matt's bike feelings were, I think, a little like that. He threw it away Saturday night. All that's left is the front wheel, which we kept in case I ever screw mine up. Pour one out for a faithful old bike, y'all.

Completely ridiculous

Some people don't believe me when I say this is a real thing that actually happens.

exhaustion

I would be really good at this if it was just the daytime stuff I was supposed to do. But even now I am expected to be working. I won't!

whoa!

This article is awesome. But this quote is disturbing.

...But it never occurred to me there was anything I could do physically to protect myself. Why? Not because I was drunk. Because literally no one my whole life had told me that my body could work in my own defense (and many, many messages had told me to the contrary).

ooooo, you said a bad word

I bought a new computer! I wasn't planning on it. But there was an Opportunity. This is how it was:

1. My computer has been getting older. I was thinking about replacing it in the next year or so.
2. It started having a problem with the power cord connection that I'd had fixed once before (almost exactly a year ago).
3. Matt bought a MacBook, and I was very impressed.
4. I heard some things about Windows Vista, and I wasn't very impressed.
5. I heard CDW had previous-generation MacBook Pros on super-discount.
6. I checked, and I don't care too much about "Core Duo" vs. "Core 2 Duo."
7. I can still get AppleCare even if I don't buy directly from Apple.

So yeah, I bought a computer. I will probably get it Wednesday, or at least Thursday.

Also I watched some Illini Club Hockey! It was cool, and I want to play street hockey again like I used to back in the day. That was awesome. Too bad the posse isn't really full of sk8ers.

We went to the new Radio Maria tapas bar, and that was very nice. I still like the Blind Pig better, though. The BP might be my new favorite bar with no pool tables.

This weekend

Delicious: three cups chicken

Exciting: Porn Chowder at the Iron Post

THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE

I am horribly entertained by this phrase.

"Oh man, I ate soooo much. This will make travel very hazardous or impossible."

"I am dressed so sexy today! This will make travel very hazardous or impossible."
"That guy is an asshole. This will make travel very hazardous or impossible."

(We are having a blizzard; school is canceled. I've been in college for 7 years and never seen it canceled because of weather.)

always never forget to check your references

This is the sticky cake recipe I like.
http://www.chiff.com/recipe/pages/10125.htm

Girlfriends are like house plants: you can leave them alone, but even house plants need water sometimes.

"In graduate classes you can just give the students the book and the homework and let them teach each other. I wish I could get my undergrads to do that."

I did something right today! I've been having issues understanding random processes, and with the math for my coherence class in general. On Monday I took a shot at the homework and got maybe two thirds of it shakily done. So this morning I got out the textbook (a textbook! What luxury!) and highlighted enough of the chapter we're covering that you'd think they just screwed up and used yellow paper. This afternoon I took my homework (which I considered a draft, fully intending to rewrite it later) and my copy of the coherence theory yellow pages to office hours to talk about what was going on. It turned out not to be as bad as I thought.
I'd solved one problem with a backwards method, which I fixed. I clarified the difference between time-average and ensemble average. I listened to a discussion of the one problem I hadn't done yet (the problem statement had a piece of information I didn't understand, and the solution turned out to hinge on it). Then I kicked the shit out of a problem I thought I'd done wrong. I wound up giving a mini-lecture on how I interpreted the Poisson distribution to apply and translated an ensemble average into something that makes physical sense. Then we got to the part where I thought I was wrong, and it turned out to be a sign error. Damn, I'm good.
Then I wrote up this little story for a class I'm in on college teaching, and related it to the readings for this week. In this class, since they are so big on active learning, they love it when you relate the readings to your own experiences. I have been thinking - other disciplines expect students to read before coming to class. Engineers give lectures that are basically what the students would be reading if they were reading before class. Why don't we require them to do the reading, and then just have discussions of example problems during class time? We could directly discuss the thinking process of problem solving. We could still lecture about concepts that need clarification, but we wouldn't have to lecture about everything. Maybe we are concerned that the homework plus the reading will take too much time, but: (a) people in other disciplines already do it, and (b) if we teach this way the homework will be easier because they'll have practiced. I am serious, folks. I am going to try this.

The Elements of Style

I think I'm going to change my haircut. I've had the same "long in front, short in back" style for a few years now, I think. I love it, but it's got a few problems. First, it takes time to make the hair stand up in the back, and I am very busy this semester. Yes, I am seriously considering sacrificing style for an extra 10 minutes in the morning. Very, very busy. Second, it's winter, and if I have a hairstyle that depends so heavily on standing up for its stylishness, hats are right out, and hoods are contraindicated except in extreme circumstances.
I fondly refer to my current haircut as a reverse mullet. It's cooler than that makes it sound, though, because it has a lot of razory spikiness built in. I hope to maintain the razor coolness, but move closer to a short-all-over strategy so I have an easier time wearing it. Maybe when I have fewer classes I'll grow out the front again. Why does anyone ever grow out the back of their hair? If anyone knows, please explain.

We got to carry each other, carry each other

Jack has been playing the same "best of U2" CD in for the past few weeks of jiujitsu. In each class we hear it at least three times. That makes six times per week. If I assume it's been going on for three weeks (I suspect it's more, but I am rounding down), that's 18 times in a row that we've heard the same CD. I like U2 too, but damn. Maybe I ought to bring Jack a mix. He'd probably be into some of that Brazilian stuff all the cool kids like. But would it be weird to Paulo, suddenly hearing a bunch of what are basically golden oldies to him?

Jesus Ray we got the chessboard out but you playin' Whac-A-Mole

Jesus Ray we got the tortas out but you makin' Qdoba

Jesus Ray we got the 客家豆腐 out but you eatin' fried rice

Jesus Ray we got our tuxes out but you wearin' a shirt with a name tag

gross.

In his most recent advice article, Cary Tennis suggested that a man should leave his cheating, unrepentant wife. So far, so good. But then he said the guy should get in touch with some fathers' rights groups for support. Uh. Those are the guys who think domestic violence happens as often against men as it does against women, right? The guys who think a man shouldn't have to pay child support unless he gets to see the kids, even if there are good reasons not to let him? These guys think women are always lying: at home about whether they're on the pill or not, and in court about whether their husbands were abusive. You recommend a guy get over his irresponsible wife by taking up hating women as a hobby? Bad form, Cary.

Also, I'm in a class with a discussion board, and one of the ongoing assignments is to post about the weekly readings. People often post about themselves and how the readings relate to their lives or past work or whatever. But one response was kind of weirdly defensive. It seemed like, confronted with scholarly works that challenge previous experience, this person's response to suggestions for improvement to existing methods was "but that's harrrrd" and the response to a description of various levels of cognitive development was "did you just call me dumb?"

I met S. this weekend, who seems cool. He's in a local band called Dress Code and teaches in the Anthropology department. I am going to try to go to the next Dress Code show. As one might expect, there is a dress code - some sort of preference exists for people wearing a dress. The band will also wear a dress. That's just this show, though - other shows' dress codes did not involve dresses.

为什么学中文？ 因 为 我 想 交 朋 友。

Today I tried ordering food in Chinese for the first time. I hadn't tried it yet because I am shy about speaking Chinese with strangers - I feel like I am wasting their time. But today I did, and it turned out to be kind of an adventure.

I went to the Chinese place across the street from my office and asked for some dumplings, and the owner was only a little surprised - I think I have probably said "xiexie" to him before or something.

While I'm eating my dumplings, a white guy comes in and has a conversation in Chinese with the owner, who tells him he has a new dish that's delicious, and also that there's another white person who can speak Chinese here (that's me). So I invite the guy to sit with me.

We had a nice conversation about how he has been to a lot of different countries, I should go to China, and the internet is a series of tubes. So I made a new friend using Chinese! Awesome!

fighting crime

Batman had it pretty good, overall.

shame

I have some friends who are lawyers. Sometimes when they talk about the situations they encounter in their jobs, I am overwhelmed by what happens in the world. One friend's job involves going to public hearings about the construction of a Hindu temple near town, to make sure none of the locals violates our state's religious freedom laws by saying something stupid like "well, this here's a Christian community." That sentiment is obviously still in their hearts, but instead the discussions center on their made-up concerns with the plan: drainage, irrigation, parking, anything they can think of to slow down the approval of a nice temple that will probably even bring them some business.

Another one who I met recently works on cases of abused and neglected children. Apparently prosecutors with that job are 3 or 4 times more likely to be [assaulted? killed?] than average people. I wonder if it's because people who abuse children just choose the children because they're easy targets, but really could mistreat anybody. Maybe the way they communicate with people is just broken. I feel sick about how much that dynamic is based on power, and how easy it is for a person to be trapped and powerless.

I am ashamed of humanity's sexism, bigotry, poverty and cruelty. Even pretty tame examples from our apple-pie corner of the world bring up all kinds of shock and anger and shame. I don't know what to do. Unfortunately, all I know to do with evil people is actual fighting, which isn't useful. It would be enough to drive me to violence, though, if only that would help.

Edit: I wrote this a long, long time ago and never published it. Now it's a little less fresh, and I'm ok with seeing it on the internet.

I love to eat

Wikipedia has a whole section about Chinese vegetables. I spent a lot of time at work last week reading about hollow vegetable and Chinese broccoli. It's exciting to me, because I love food. Bdon & I went to a new grocery store today and found some tiny, tiny all-green bok choy. They were delicious! You could put the whole thing in your mouth at once!

When I go to my parents' house for vacation, I need to remember to bring some things along that I don't want to look for or go without while I'm there. For instance, my brothers and I have a secret plan that will require some sweet rice flour. I also want to bring my yoga mat, in hopes that it'll be a portable way to keep working out regularly. And I should probably bring along some Chinese to review - maybe these children's books that I have. They look fun.

meditation, meditation. me di ta tion. meditation.

We possitas haven't been doing a lot of yoga lately, but I think that is about to change. I'm excited - back in the summer we went every week and I really liked it. But recently we've been going to this tea ceremony at the Japan House instead, and I don't have time for both. I've decided I prefer yoga.

I've also been practicing more taiji. Last night I didn't feel sleepy right away so I did a tiny bit of sitting meditation before bed. It helps a lot. I haven't had trouble sleeping in at least a year - maybe I need to reexamine some things about my schedule. But more taiji is good, whatever my reasoning. Maybe I can get into a morning taiji / evening yoga (or vice versa) routine.

adventures are so six months ago

I feel like there are a lot of individual things going on with a lot of individual friends, and it all adds up to a general malaise. Not all of it is bad: D. is graduating and making awesome plans. Bdon has the kind of job that will help him get into grad school in the field it seems like he wants to be in (but does he want to be in it? His usual enthusiasm is MIA). Some of us have genuinely good things going on: F. is going to graduate and I think his plans are to stay local for grad school. I've been getting a lot done on my own research lately. But Matt seems generally discontented, the psych crew is always busy and they all have the same long face, and Bdon also has plenty of things to get him down. I'm concerned. I don't know how to cheer up people who don't have time to cheer up. Or maybe this is a feeling only I have, and it just makes me interpret other changes in a different way.

A completely separate thought: I like it when my man shows off for me! Not obvious things like muscle-flexing (though that's fine too), but little stuff. Like thoughtfully shaving before we are going to spend time together. Or a little butt shake in my direction. Maybe wearing a nice shirt and asking what I think of it (while making muscles?) when he already knows I dig it. These are things that girls know to do, because in a way we're more used to being pretty, having people look at us. I am glad when guys catch on, though! Keep the admiration channels open.

no time for losers

I was great at bjj today. We worked on open guard, which I have been trying to pay more attention to. I was glad because I love to play guard in general, and I feel like I have a lot more freedom when I can switch between closed and open. A push is no good without a pull, that kind of thing. This all started a while ago when everyone was doing koala guard for a month straight. Today it was butterfly. I feel like I am starting to understand how to use my feet as hooks to throw guys around. It's weird - on Tuesday I felt all clumsy, couldn't make anything work, and today I'm a genius of balance. I am having jiujitsu mood swings.

Last night at about midnight F. and Bdon and G. and I all decided to make a pie. It was delicious, but maybe midnight pie is not such a good idea - when it was done, I just ate my slice and went straight home to sleep. Pie time should be more social.

I feel like I will be able to get a lot done this week because I am on break from class, but I think my expectations are getting kind of unrealistic. Time seems to go faster than it did back in the day. What used to be "a whole hour!" has turned into "only an hour?" somehow.

do you like me? check yes or no

How do you make blog-friends with somebody? There's a kind of cool guy in a terrible discussion on another blog, and I would like to make friends. Then I could talk to him separately from all these disgusting, rude, sexist people.

Holy cow democrats win

I'm relieved and optimistic! I want to send presents to Nancy Pelosi.

The death of suspense

TV series these days seem to think that "we're not going to tell you what's going on until next week" is the same as suspense. That just telling a weak story more slowly makes it more interesting. That's bullshit.

on gifts

Right now I'm doing all my mental Christmas shopping, deciding what to give to my friends (the family is mostly done). I love giving presents, but doing it right takes a lot of work.

If you don't know what someone wants, you get them a gift card. If have a wish list or something, you get them something from that. But if you are a gift-giving ninja, you find something that would have been on their wish list, if only they'd known it exists. Those are the best presents - things people didn't even know they wanted, but actually can't live without. Of course you have to know them pretty well for that. And you have to think about it a lot, which is what I've been doing this week.

untouchable for life

Yesterday at bjj, Jack was having us do a lot of one-move drills - "do kimuras continuously for a minute," for instance. A. had just returned from France, and Jack kept coming around and picking on her in his coachy way: "Pick it up, A.! Just because you've been in France for a month doesn't mean you get to slack off!" I speculated that maybe there was a special A.-only tournament somewhere that Jack wanted her to train for. Then apparently I got invited to the super secret tournament, because it was all, "Lookin' good, Kay See (that is how Jack says KC - with a lot of separation between the letters)! What, are you tired already? Keep moving, girl!" Nobody but us gets to go to the secret tournament, I guess. It was funny, but maybe you had to be there.

Oh! And I learned some new moves recently, I guess, because I surprised A. a couple of times with some tricks I learned while she was gone. Sometimes you don't feel like you've learned anything new, because everyone else has been improving too. Then someone goes on vacation, and when they get back you sweep them a couple times. Then they catch on and you don't have any tricks until they leave town again.

I was feling pretty good when I came home from practice, and maybe that contributed to the dream I had after I made a sandwich (grilled avocado, tomato, and cheese is the best) and went to sleep. Basically what happened is that I turned into a very happy superhero.

First, some guy I know - maybe it was R. - found a kind of plant in California. If you ate it, you became immortal. So a placeholder group of friends and I all went to California to eat it in this forest. It was no lie - not like we tested it by trying to die, but you definitely felt different after eating the plant. I was bursting with energy, so I jumped into the air in a particular way and discovered that the plant could also make you fly. It felt a lot like swimming, but faster. I even dunked some guys.

A girl we knew was being coerced into marrying an evil guy - he wanted her money I guess. She'd escaped, but for some reason I don't actually understand he'd captured a different girl and was going to have her stand in for the first girl at the wedding ceremony. Then somehow he would be married to the girl who wasn't there. I talked to some people in the wedding party about it, and they agreed - I specifically remember saying to one guy, "You're a jerk, but you're not evil." He was convinced by that and helped us break up the party. A chase scene involving some catering followed. In particular a taco buffet was adversely affected by the chase.

Resting in a water garden after having saved the day, we saw a woman in a wedding dress start singing and walk into the water. It was a ceremony that belonged to a culture that my dream had completely invented. A lot of other women who were involved in her wedding all got in the water and sang together. The ritual was intended just to bless the wedding, but the feeling in my dream was that their singing had also consecrated us, the immortality plant, the water, and our future of immortality.

I told T. about this dream and she asked me to send her some of whatever I'd been drinking. Avocado sandwiches? BJJ? I don't know if it's repeatable. But I felt awesome all morning.

fight back to school

On Friday I dropped one of my classes. It was right before the midterm, and the TA seemed perplexed by that - most people take the midterm and then drop if they do badly. But I was less concerned with my grade than with the time the class was consuming. I was turning in 20 pages of homework weekly and studying extra to make up for confused presentation in lecture. It wasn't even thoughtful homework, it was usually 6 versions of almost the same number-crunching problem. I wanted the credits so I could be done taking classes sooner (I plan to finish the credit requirements next year), but the trade-off with research time was too steep. Being done with classes doesn't help me if I haven't got any research done. I feel like dropping this class has freed up at least 10 or 15 hours per week, and just yesterday I made some science progress. Problem solved!

I feel a little bad that I didn't sit the TA down and explain why I was dropping. I really felt like the class was being run into the ground, and that was what made me quit. I was getting a good grade in the class, participated in lectures, studied for the midterm I didn't even take, and I think those things would have made my opinion carry a little more weight. The thing is, when midterm evaluations came back pretty negative, this TA bitched out the class at the next lecture, in the "if you don't like how I teach you should drop" style. There's some truth to that, but if everyone in the class thinks you teach badly, there's probably something to it and you shouldn't write them off as whiners who should drop the class. That's bad form. So I felt like I could possibly have changed the class for the better (as sort of a public service) by explaining why I was quitting, but I didn't want to get into it with somebody who takes criticism so badly.

I'm looking forward to bjj today. I should learn Perl so I can write a script that includes that line in everything I post on a Tuesday or Saturday. A. might even be back today. I hope she had fun in France.

为我弟弟干杯

Internet twiddling led me to this entertaining article about the history of drinking in China. The best part is this:

Writers also set out rules in their essays which were to be followed when drinking alcohol.

For example, one's drinking companions should be "elegant, unrestrained, forthright, understanding, old friends or beautiful". The best places for drinking should be "in front of flowers, in the bamboo forest, in a high pavilion, in a boat, in a peaceful villa, along a zig-zag stream or by a lotus pool".

And the best time for drinking should be "spring, a time when flowers are blooming, or in cool autumn, or after snow, or on rainy days or on nights with a crescent moon".

我第一弟弟学习中文

My brother is learning Mandarin too now. Awesome! We can now tell secrets at family gatherings. Though he probably doesn't know very much yet - I bet most of the secrets will be "Uncle so-and-so is very tall." "Does he have a dog?" "No, he doesn't have a dog. Aunt such-and-such has a dog."

Oh man, I have to look up how to say aunt and uncle again. I forget words about as fast as I learn them.

Goshin jitsu is today. Joker posted on the GJ message board, speculating about whether MMA-type training is the same as hazing, along with a scanned-in copy of an article that made me want to puke. He was wondering whether all that work helps these guys somehow, or if he's actually just a big fat bully. I think whether he's a bully or not is in his head, and depends on his intentions - we're all getting something out of it, though, so if he intends to be a bully and make us unjustifiabley miserable maybe he should step it up.

There's some validity in the idea that martial arts training is kind of a rite of passage, though. It's overwhelmingly full of young men who probably find confidence in their own strength through testing it, and social acceptance in a group of other men who are doing the same thing. I admit that I also want to be liked, especially by people who are better at martial arts than me.

As for women like me.... well, there's no reason we can't want those things. Our priorities are just skewed from all the women who look for validation from other women by worrying together about their weight & looks or doing yoga together or something. Not that I don't dig yoga, it's just that in the US it's a very female activity and there's certain kinds of lady activities that surround that.

I was kind of down yesterday because I feel like everybody else improves faster at bjj than I do. Today I'm not down, I just guess I should work harder & smarter. If only I were smart!

Energy levels, excited states

I'm taking three classes this semester (3rd semester Chinese, an optics lab, and a communications signal processing course). That adds up to 12 hours, as the university counts it. I'm a 4th-year grad student, and my courseload would count as full-time for an undergrad! Is this stupid? Yes.

I do have a good reason (for the two non-Chinese classes): if I take 7 hours of applicable class per semester, I'll be done with classes after next fall. That's incentive, right there. I do not have a good reason for taking Chinese - I mean, it's useful, tons of people speak it in my department, I do think it would be fun to visit China, etc etc. But those aren't reasons on the same level as "it counts towards my degree" is a reason.

Taking this many classes, getting back into taiji, keeping up with BJJ/JKD, and hitting Goshin Jitsu once a week (I want to work on my stand-up fighting) makes me feel like I never have any down time. I never had any before, but that was because I spent a lot of time being social - White Horse Thursdays, pool at Crane Alley after BJJ Tuesday nights, lots of Settlers of Catan... I filled that time up. Now I have to empty that time out again, so I can spend it on school. It's hard saying "no, I can't go out" when I'm not used to it. I don't doubt I can make it, but it demands a slightly harder, more serious side of LV.

Oh! Also I'm volunteering (mostly - they feed us sometimes and I get a little money) as a graduate mentor for an undergraduate women engineers' mentoring & professional development class. I get to skip all the boring resume-writing and professional developing, and take ladies on tours of my lab, sing karaoke with them, introduce them to professional types that I know, and other fun big sister things. Awesome!

rock facts rock facts rock facts

I want to go to Ladies Rock Camp. There's one in Portland and one in NYC, and both are fundraisers for local Girls Rock camps. I'm excited about it, because I like to rock but I'm not very good at it, and this is a chance to practice rocking with some ladies that won't make too much fun of my problems, since we're all supposed to be learning.

I also like the idea of giving money to rock camps for girls, because more girl rockers = more rockers = more good bands.

heaven on wheels

My bike's rolling again after about a month of exchanging grease for dust in the extra bedroom. I hadn't checked the bottom bracket for a while, and suddenly it was creaky and wobbly. Busy and lazy as I am, I tried to take it to the bike shop to get it fixed, but the bike guy told me to do it myself (you have to know this bike guy for that to make sense).

The reason I didn't ride my bike for such a long time is that it's unlucky. Right before I started having these problems, somebody kicked and bent my back tire. As soon as that was fixed I noticed the bottom bracket problem. I wanted to buy a sealed bottom bracket to replace it, but even that took three trips to the bike shop. It went like this:

"I want a sealed bottom bracket."
"Do you know what size you need? Bring in the old part so we can tell."
"I know what kind of bike I have. Does that help?"
"No."

(later)

"I want a sealed bottom bracket. Here's the old one."
"Do you know what size you need?"
"Uh... last time I was here, you asked to see the old part so you could tell what size I need."
"No, we actually have to measure the shell on your frame."
"I know what kind of bike I have. Does that help?"
"Oh, ok. It's probably this one."

(later)

I'm at home putting my bike back together, and (oh no!) the new part doesn't fit. Thing is, there's two sizes of these, a big size and a smaller size. They are supposed to have sold me the smaller size, yet this one is too big. What's going on? I measure my bike and it's 68 mm. I put the part together outside my bike and measure it; it's 73 mm, but it's marked 68. Huh? I look closer. The cartridge itself is marked 68 mm, but there's a collar that holds it still on the other end, and that's marked 73. Back to the bike shop. They are very speedy, for once, and immediately give me the right piece. Awesome! So today I get to bike to work.

j-j-johnny and me

When I lived in Royal Oak, before my youngest brother was born, I went to preschool and kindergarten with A., who was my very best friend. We moved away when I was six, but A. and I kept in touch for a surprisingly long time - longer, I think, than we were actually in-person friends.

When I visited her for the last time, I must have been 13 or so. We didn't have a lot in common anymore - I remember watching Spaceballs and playing a lot of Sorry!. She played a tape for me ("She Don't Use Jelly") that I didn't really get into, and after that we didn't talk much anymore.

These days I realize she was a lot cooler than I was back then, all listening to the Flaming Lips and watching funny grown-up movies. I wonder what she did with herself after that.

yeah, some people want to steal her heart

Globe-trotting!

Everybody's friend Ryan returned from his time in Kazakhstan for the Peace Corps recently, and a commemorative party was held this weekend. I drove with T. and Bdon to Chicago, spent Friday night and Saturday morning gently chilling, and bought a very sexy new shirt before the real party began.

Swashbuckling!

After a round of vodka shots accompanied by a horse sausage chaser, the rowdiness of the party shot up precipitously. The guest of honor got it into his head to play a game of baseball. Lacking a bat and a ball, we were forced to use an umbrella and hamburger buns. Similarly, lacking space in Neal's backyard, a baseball contingent trekked to the boulevard part of Logan Boulevard. (This isn't as dangerous as it sounds - Logan is divided into three parts, not two: a four-lane, two-way center road with smaller one-way streets on each side. So the boulevard was at the side of the main road.) Since the hamburger buns smashed in midair whenever we hit them, there wasn't really a way to catch the ball or tag anyone out, and we pretty much had to tackle the runner once they hit the bun. The game quickly degenerated into some friendly grappling between Ryan and me, since he'd been asking me a bit about bjj earlier. Bystanders helpfully removed our glasses, both Ryan's shoes and one of mine. (Maybe they were afraid we'd kick each other?) Not long after that, we returned to the main party at Neal's place, me with one dirty sock and one clean sock, Ryan with grass prints all over himself.

Romance!

Back at Neal's place, the fact that J. and T. (who dated each other a long time ago) had each brought a relatively new significant other led to some entertaining storytelling. Everyone had an embarrassing story from J. or T.'s younger, less dignified days. I don't know if J. and T. enjoyed it, but everyone else had a great time. J. and T. sure did a lot of cutely dumb things back in the day.

Adventure!

Everyone at the party liked my new shirt, and it was generally agreed that I can do a little bit of style. So Ryan asked me to go shopping with him Sunday with the goal of helping him become more dashing. Shirts were found without too much trouble, and then we passed Myopic Books, where I picked up One Hundred Years of Solitude and Love in the Time of Cholera. The whole outing was a good time, punctuated by us periodically getting slightly lost. That was fine, though - it just led to extra car time listening to some great albums I hadn't heard in a while. On the way to drop Ryan back off at Jake's place, we passed a coffee house that looked delicious even from the outside - after a hot afternoon of walking around, lemonade was impossible to pass up. I had intended to go home after that, but the J Team and T. wanted to have dinner in Chinatown and I was forced to change my mind. Another slightly-lost episode and a theory about Built to Spill later, we were having bubble tea and waiting for a table with them. Dinner was at Lao Si Chuan, apparently widely known as one of the better Chinese places in town. Delicious! Everyone went to Jake's place for a little while, and then I had a long and exhausting drive home.

when my mind is uncertain my body decides

Yesterday, after a lazy morning and a little bit of work, I met up with B. for a bit of BJJ. He'd missed class Tuesday, so I showed him the two new mount escapes from that practice. Truthfully, I can't get them to work very well, or very consistently. However, having four options for escaping mount instead of two makes my game immensely better even though I am not great at many of them. It makes it easier to keep my opponent from settling down and starting to try submissions. Also, the tiniest details can change how really basic things feel: I concentrated on not lying flat on my back when on the bottom in cross-side, and I was a lot more successful.

After a satisfying and educational hour of jiujitsu and a stint at taiji club, the posse hit one of Champaign's worst bars, the White Horse, to see some possitos play in Champaign's hottest new band, Porn Chowder.



These dudes are going to play at my birthday party. It's going to be awesome.

not good at bjj practice yesterday

Some days, everything you try works. Other days, you try everything and nothing works.

I learned a couple of things, I just felt like I had two left hands the whole time.

Edit: If I let this bother me, does it mean I don't have a good attitude? Eh, everybody gets frustrated. But not everybody drills the next day.

little vicious goes to goshin jitsu

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preventive care

I sprain my ankles pretty frequently (once or twice a year). I just did it again. This is a link to remind me to do exercises for them.

winners get sandwiches

Ever since Brandon & I decided we'd go to that jiujitsu tournament, people at our school have been saying, "You guys are going to tear it up." I'd never heard that expression before, so my mind would immediately fill with the same kind of images that result from hearing about actors chewing the scenery. I had trouble not laughing.

It was a good prediction, though - I won my three-woman division, though I doubt I'd have done as well in the much larger men's lightweight bracket. There was a lot of variety in the matches I had - my two opponents were very cool and very different from each other.

My first and third matches were against J., a woman who was about my size and had killer takedowns. I spent some time trying to get the takedown myself, but she up and threw me, surprising me both times. I always landed with guard, though, and in the first match this led straight to a cross-collar choke. In the third (my second with her), I caught her with a sweep and the match ended (much later than the first one) when I managed a sleeve choke from mount.

My second match was with H., a woman who was much bigger than me - she was the only person in her weight class, so she got mixed in with mine. I was a little concerned about that at first, since size really is an advantage, and she was 1-and-1 with the first girl. But this time I got the takedown, and she kept giving me chances to go to her back. It seemed like her thoughts were, "She's got a better position, I have to get away," and getting away meant turning her back. So I went to the back and she squirmed partly out of it, but when she was on her side I hit an arm bar. I didn't get it very tight at first, and she fought it and rolled us both over, but eventually tapped. At first I didn't hear her (maybe because of the upside-downyness), and I felt pretty bad about that, but she turned out to be OK.

I didn't realize it would make such a big difference, but having coaches really changes the way the game is played. At least two or three times in this whole thing, one of Dan or Mike or Jack pointed out an opportunity I didn't see, or didn't initially think I could make. I'd try it, and it would work, and that would really change the match. Those guys are excellent.

H. was actually from the school my brothers are about to start going to. I met a couple of the girls from Michigan, and they were great. I hope I get to visit them when I'm up there in a couple of weeks.

Oh! And my parents came to see the tournament. I sat with them for a while at the beginning, and they asked things like, "Why is that guy upside down?" But they saw a day-long tournament's worth of matches, I sat with them and helped explain what was up for a while, and by the end they were cheering: "Squish him, B!" My dad even noticed the Jiujitsu Faces on people and asked about it (I'm glad I'm not the only one). After my bracket was all done, we hit a grocery store and made a huge sub sandwich to pass around. Everybody loved it. All those macho guys I go to school with wish their moms would come watch them.

It was funny when Jack met my mom, though. He started saying, "OK, don't freak out, KC's not going to get hurt..." and my mom was all, "Are you kidding? Do you think I don't know this chick?" And I was in the middle, thinking "Ja-ack, you're embarrassing me!"

on looks

Last night I read this post at Feministe, which is commentary about another post at Creek Running North. It's about something that has always felt wrong to me about what the internets call "fat acceptance": can't we admit that sometimes being really fat is not good while still refusing to blame fat people for what might actually be a social problem? (If you want to hear about how social structures can make people fat, read those posts - though they don't mention having a sit-down job with long hours, and they should.)

But that whole conversation isn't what I'm thinking about - I finished thinking about it last night. This morning I put on a shirt that says "this is what a feminist looks like" and some sexy pants. Then I thought, "Is it OK to be feminist and want people to like how my butt looks?" Then I thought, "That's a stupid question. Of course it is."

The conflict stems from a common reaction to an idea that is actually not so bad. People start from "patriarchal beauty standards are screwed up and unhealthy, and the amount of pressure there is on women to look a certain way is definitely bad." That's completely fine. But then they conclude: "we should never think that some people look better than others." That's unrealistic and, I think, also bad.

People have eyes, and they look at each other. Eyes are just tools - they're not necessarily Tools Of The Patriarchy. Relationships are based partially on sexual attraction, which is based partially on looks. Denying that will just lead to guilt and conflictedness about making visual judgements. But it's possible to make visual judgements that don't reinforce unhealthy ideas of beauty. Just like (going back to how I got on this topic) how it's possible to admit that sometimes fatness is bad without blaming, discriminating against, or being hurtful to the fat people themselves.

time to branch out, BJJ anthropology

I've been saying for a while that I need to start rolling with more & different people in jiujitsu. I'm not going to abandon the regulars - there's just a lot I could learn from certain people I don't often work with. The thing is, I'm shy (especially around people that are better than me at something). And the phenomenon that I call Jiujitsu Face doesn't help.

See, when people are rolling, they try to be relaxed so they don't tire themselves out, and they're usually thinking hard and paying close attention to what's going on. They may also be trying to look cool. This leads to Jiujitsu Face: the characteristic face a person makes during a match. People with Jiujitsu Face often make faces that look disappointed, bored, concerned, or very mildly amused.

Sometimes they continue making their Jiujitsu Face off the mat. Then how do I tell if they're actually disappointed or bored, or if they just made that face so long it got stuck that way? Should I be taking this disappointed, bored, concerned person away from the object of his disappointment? Is what seems to me an enjoyable match during open mat really an imposition?

Of course it's not. Hardly anybody is ever annoyed because somebody wants to roll with them. That's why they're still hanging around during open mat. They'd just leave if they weren't interested in doing any more work. But Jiujitsu Face - even though I have one of my own - fools me into being a little less outgoing. Weird.

expensive things I am not going to buy (at least not now)

1. Important, classic book on electromagnetics. (J. A. Stratton, Electromagnetic Theory, McGraw-Hill, New York, 1941.)
2. Sexy gray sequined pants from The Limited. (2a. Pants in general.)
3. Exciting moonstone bracelet from hippy-dippy fair trade store.
4. As much sushi as usual.
5. New glasses.
   

I'm kind of pouty about this. It's not like my life is really luxurious, but I am weak-willed and like to be smart, pretty, and well-fed.

it just continues on that way

From fmhLisa, posting in Hugo Schwyzer's blog (I rarely agree with the guy, and he often assumes that everyone else's experience has the same meaning as his, but the writing is thoughtful at least):

I changed my name when I married at the ripe-old age of nineteen. But I don't think I'd do so now.

I'm still married to the same lovely man, and much much more committed to him now, after thirteen years and three children.

I'm so glad I married him (even so young) but knowing what I do now, I wouldn't advise nineteen-year-old me to change the name.

Basically, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want to cause a stir within my family, I was only just deciding that I was a feminist at all. But I do feel like I lost something of myself, gave up my own identity, when he was not expected to, nor did he even understand the sacrifice. And it just continues on that way, women giving up stuff and men not noticing until you beat them about the heads with it.

I feel pretty lucky that I am able to refuse to just give things up like this. It is an important point, though, and just because I'm avoiding it in most areas of my life doesn't mean everyone else is as privileged as me. I'll come back to this later.

Edit: originally I said that Amanda at Pandagon had posted that, and it didn't sound right then either. But I was confused by the order of comments & the names of their authors. Sorry, all y'all.

irrepressible

Excitement: B. & I are going to compete in a BJJ tournament in June. We're trying to get F. to compete too, but right now he's saying he just wants to come watch us. I'm a little concerned about that - F. isn't the kind of guy to skip a chance to meet & roll with new people just because there's a little pressure on. Why's he so reticent now? We've gotta get that guy's confidence up.

In the way of preparation for this advenure, the three of us have changed the way we do matches. Normally we start from knees and go until somebody gets tapped out, and don't really keep score. (This is partly because it's often just me and B., and it doesn't make sense to put a time limit on your matches when there's only two of you.) Yesterday we switched it up, with five-minute matches starting from standing, and it forced me to play a lot differently. I'm not strong and big, so I often am not very aggressive in matches, but I found I didn't have so much time for that. Also my takedowns really suck. I learned a lot, though, and we're going to do it again today.

I'm so excited about BJJ. Anytime fighting comes up (and sometimes when it doesn't), sirens go off in my brain: "eeeeeee i get to do bjj this is so exciting!"

I think everyone else is tired of it.

post punk

My hair has faded to a minty, silvery blue-green (I've been swimming a lot). Some people say it looks "industrial." Maybe it looks a little verdigris-ish, but I was surprised by that.

Yesterday, a BJJ seminar. I learned a lot of great techniques. Also, the guy (visiting from Phoenix, originally from Brazil) talked hilariously about sex all the time. I liked that he swore a lot, though. It let me forgive a little bit of his interesting opinions about ladies.

plumb tuckered out

I swam for the first time in a month or so yesterday. It took a little of the fire out of my jiujitsu later in the day, but I am trying to swim more frequently so that doesn't happen. To that end, I planned on swimming today, but I couldn't make myself do it. I've got reasons - I didn't get a lot of sleep and wanted to go home and nap, I was hungry, my legs were sore . . . but I think all of those things would have been improved by a little time in the pool. Oh well. I'll work out on land tonight, test the water again tomorrow.

(I wrote my first lecture ever today! I think I should have taken maybe twice as long to give it - I definitely went too fast - but it was very informative anyway.)

Compliments

I was on the quad today, just minding my own business buying a delicious popsicle (paleta, actually), when some guys gave me these:


These days there is no such thing as me minding my own business. I mostly enjoy it - not many people go out of their way to say they disapprove of my [green] hair, but plenty of them tell me they dig it. A few people, perhaps struck dumb by my stylishness, can only manage "Hey! Ayyy, green!" - sometimes I smile and wave, other times I tell them I already knew about that. I think looking unusual makes people more willing to approach me. People on the bus, on the street, in the hallway at work, at jiujitsu class, at the park, and at the grocery store all have an opinion. Everybody on the street normally (when my hair is brown) just avoids eye contact. In some ways, this is a lot better.

I recently had to send in a businesslike picture of myself, and I sent that one . . . after converting it to black and white.

I'm like many other martial artists: I wish women would take up fighting sports more. I am actually a little lonely on the mat. Thing is, if I wasn't already into it I don't think I would want to take up martial arts, because I'm put off by the way people market these arts to women. Every ad you see for women's martial arts classes mentions self defense, and I don't believe that's a good way to get women interested for the long haul. "Self defense" is good for selling a weekend seminar, but for something that takes as much time and effort as real martial arts training it's not good motivation. These ads boil down to "study martial arts or you might get raped."

I still might get raped! I am getting pretty good at this fighting thing, but there's always someone who can defeat you. I'm not learning martial arts for self-defense. I spend as much time on martial arts as I might spend on a part-time job because I'm having a good time, not because some ad obliquely threatened me.

Girls just want to get jobs

Citing a recent study by two psychologists (one of them Martin E. P. Seligman, author of Learned Optimism), Washington Post education reporter Jay Mathews called attention to evidence that self-discipline—in particular, a capacity for deferred gratification—may be the best predictor of academic success, better than IQ: Do your homework, and plenty of practicing, before you watch television or sit down to play Xbox. That sounds, I know, like irresistible grist for an argument about whether and why girls might have an innate gift for just that kind of goody-goody, grindlike behavior, but let's not start it. It's a disservice to girls to portray them as destined for diligence, as though conscientious effort were a second-rate recourse for slower or steadier minds, rather than what is really is: a crucial choice that helps ensure long-term success. And it's an even bigger disservice to boys and their college prospects to reinforce the idea that discipline and self-denial are sissy stuff.

This from the end of an article in Slate on the recent ballyhoo about boys not doing their homework. It used to be girls who were too easily distracted to be well-suited for the rigorous academic life. Girls: irrational, emotional, unreliable, college-bound. What goes around comes around, fellas.

dementia pugilistica (in which I talk about fighting)

Recently I've been trying to find girls who want to take up brazilian jiujitsu. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I haven't had much luck. I want some company, and somebody else to help keep the ex-wrestlers in line (they need an ass-kicking periodically or they get uppity). There would be plenty of benefit for the hypothetical girl in question: muscles, fun, confidence, all that.

I just think girls need to get rid of the weakness mindset. I'm proud of my (still baby-size) muscles! They look nice! I'm proud that I could beat some people in a fight. And I'm having a good time. Who cares if it's not ladylike to get all sweaty. At least I'm not prancing around in spandex, stretching and making eyes at men lifting weights. Especially since the gyms I have access to are dominated by college students, that's a pretty common activity around here.

I've noticed that there are two styles of bjj-ers at my school. Especially among the white belts, there are a lot of ex-wrestlers, and they tend to be stronger than average so their matches involve a lot of big motions and powering through techniques. Then there are people who try to operate with a little more finesse - some are ex-wrestlers that got more skilled, but a lot of them are people like me: smaller than average, so they don't have the option of bench-pressing a guy and they have to do everything right. (Not that I do everything right - it's just that if I want to win I have to do everything right. I still lose a lot.) I've recently been avoiding the ex-wrestlers because they're tiring, but I guess that's something I'd better learn to handle.

There are some blogs out there written by women who box that I find encouraging: Brutal Women and Knife Fight are what I've come across so far. What I'm into isn't exactly boxing, but they seem to encounter the same attitudes about women and fighting that I've been thinking about. Truth is, it's a little bit solitary, being a lady fighter. Maybe it would help if I lived in a bigger city.

dumb as a wooden chicken

I have a cold and a new apartment. The apartment is swank and spacious. The cold is highly evolved. If colds were a good thing I would be proud of this one's quality; as it is, I can only say that about the apartment.

I found a webpage where the Chinese swearing in Firefly is translated, and it turns out to actually be swearing. This helps, because the actors' pronunciation is not very good - I wouldn't enjoy looking it up myself. This link is mostly so I can check back when I have time to learn swear words and other impolite things.

everything looks brighter when

Poking around this morning, I came across a review of a book of letters Richard Feynman wrote, collected by his daughter and published recently. It reminds me: I have a lot of books lined up to read. Now I've got to add this to it, as well:

You say you are a nameless man. You are not to your wife and to your child. You will not long remain so to your immediate colleagues if you can answer their simple questions when they come into your office. You are not nameless to me. Do not remain nameless to yourself—it is too sad a way to be. Know your place in the world and evaluate yourself fairly, not in terms of the naïve ideals of your own youth, nor in terms of what you erroneously imagine your teacher's ideals are.

Best of luck and happiness.

Sincerely,

Richard P. Feynman

I already had his Lectures on Physics on the list. These days I read the first thirds of books and then don't have time to finish them, and that's what happened the last time I tried to read those. Also on the list:

1. Gravity's Rainbow (also afflicted with First Third Disease)
2. Remembrance of Things Past
   
3. Ulysses (this one has First Few Pages Disease)
   
4. Analytical Mechanics, 4th ed. (this one is tangentially related to a project)
5. A book on optics whose name escapes me
6. The Feynman Lectures on Physics (this may have been the original carrier of First Third Disease - an especially virulent strain, since this has three volumes and I read the first third of each)
7. Norwegian Wood (I've been reading Murakami books off and on for a while now)
   

There are others, too, but clearly I've got my work cut out for me.

say it ain't so

My friend D. made some comments a few days ago that have been bouncing around in my head for a while now: "Why are you guys trying to add standing meditation, ground fighting, push hands, [. . .] to ksw when it doesn't actually contain those things? People who saw your demo and signed up knew what they wanted and were getting into. Why try to remake ksw when other things already exist that do what you want?"

Could it be true? Could our students really care more about looking cool than learning how to use their bodies effectively or developing practical fighting skills? Is that why the kind of person who joins the ksw club is not the same as me, T., B., or the kind of person who studies bjj or tj? Is that why we have so much trouble with bad attitudes among them?

I mean, I know what I want to learn. I've started to realize that studying ksw will probably not get me very far with that, so I've picked up other things. But I've been kind of assuming that the students want to learn those things too, so I've been passing on some of what I think helps. Maybe they don't want it, though.

I'm collaborating with this optics professor on an experiment right now while I simultaneously take a class on optics from him, and I'm starting to think I'd like to do more optics-related work. Maybe it's just because I get along with the guy, but there are also some really cool problems in the field.

I've been back here for a month, and I am still spending a lot of time reexamining whether I still want to do what I have been doing all along. Both parts of this post are related to that.

walking back to you is the hardest thing I could do (for you)

KSW has been crazy recently. That's what happens when you gut your old routine and re-make it in a different image. Some of the changes are good - we have this whole team-teaching thing going on, we're planning practices beforehand, and we worked in some practice time for ourselves. Awesome. Things run more smoothly and we get better. Some of the changes had unforeseen consequences, though. We got more relaxed about etiquette, and all of a sudden people were nagging us to promote them or teach them more stuff, getting defensive when we said they needed to work on something, dissing each other, and complaining when we made them drill something more than twice. Not Cool At All. We gotta get these kids some manners.

It makes me miss Boulder. I wasn't responsible for that kind of thing over there. I kept myself to myself, and my job was just to learn shit. Very simple. I did worry that F. and others would think I was uppity for wanting to speed up because I knew a little bit already, but I think everything worked out - I took the beginner class, and if I already knew it it was still something I could stand to drill. Then I went to open practice and people stopped thinking I was so much of a poseur when I said I knew a little. That's one big advantage to bjj. It keeps you honest. If you are not good at it, it will show when you lose to everybody. Of course, I lost to nearly everybody, but that's not so bad for a beginner. Losing is like resurrection - only in losing can you find eternal winning... or at least learn what they did to tap you out.

Oh, I found a bjj club here. Guess what I'm doing all the time now.

maps (my kind's your kind)

I'd been in Boulder for two months before I actually arrived here. Used to wishing I could get out of here, I've been tripped up: just about a week ago I realized there is something I'm going to miss. I even decided to try to come back. It's not for the job or the mountains - I will be sad to leave the jiujitsu school.

For me, and I think for a lot of other people who do a lot of martial arts, there's a specific kind of connection you make to some of the people you train with. To explain it I have to tell a story.

I've been here on this internship, and the way this happened is a little odd and unlikely; I didn't exactly apply in the usual sense. I was going about my grad-schooly business, and I gave a talk at a conference. A guy who works here remembered it, and that is how I got this job. It didn't make sense to me until I realized that seeing me do a talk will tell someone a lot more about me than meeting me at an interview. In 20 minutes they see what I work on, how well I communicate, how I respond to questions, and in general whether I've got a lick of sense or not.

A grappling match contains a lot of information about a person, similarly condensed. If they know a ton more than you, are they the kind to flaunt it and kick your ass in 15 seconds, or do they give you a chance to try some things, maybe point out where you go wrong, and then they win? Do they think it's better to lose a good match than to win a bad one? Are they careful, or are you afraid they'll break your arm? If you don't know a lot, are they too cool to roll with you, or will they take a minute to help you out? This stuff doesn't just tell you what kind of martial artist they are, it tells you a lot about what kind of person they are.

So I feel like I know a lot of great people from bjj here: nearly everyone is respectful, laid back, badass, approachable, and trustworthy. Some schools have a couple of really macho guys that ruin it for everybody else by confusing their training with their egos, but if those guys exist here they're outnumbered and outclassed.

For some reason it took me two months to get around to hanging out with anybody, though. I've been trying to cram all the fun into a single week, and I'm exhausted & flighty because of it. I lost my keys and got locked out of my house twice this week, but it was kind of fun. I'm pretty comfortable just looking somebody up and kickin' it until the roommates come home - what would I do in my apartment anyway?

The problem with all this is, I'm leaving today. Doing what you planned to do is sometimes the hardest thing.

This dj kills fascists

Far in the future, but in the works nonetheless: a Labor Party for Labor Day. What would such a party entail, do you think?

(a dj is not a machine, I know, but ok.)

T-R-A I-N-W R-E-C-K-Y

MCCLELLAN: I’m well aware, like you, of what was previously said. And I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation…

QUESTION: (inaudible) when it’s appropriate and when it’s inappropriate?

MCCLELLAN: If you’ll let me finish.

QUESTION: No, you’re not finishing. You’re not saying anything.
You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke about Joseph Wilson’s wife. So don’t you owe the American public a fuller explanation. Was he involved or was he not? Because contrary to what you told the American people, he did indeed talk about his wife, didn’t he?

our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow

I'm homesick. I want to eat neighborhood food, hear my house's noises, walk under all my old trees.

that right ain't shit

The problem with the supreme court is that it stays however you put it pretty much until somebody dies.

In other news, ICSG may not actually leave town after all, and work is intellectually cool and progressing satisfactorily. I still kind of want to go home; things there are cheaper (and for the most part just as good), I have more friends, I don't have to drive so much, etc etc. I am also looking forward to the drive home, during which I insist upon stopping at Saleem's. Matt visited this weekend and that kind of made it worse - it is like how being hungry gets worse if you have a snack, or maybe (though I don't know this firsthand) how keeping a vow of silence is harder if you accidentally say "Oh shit."