fighting crime

Batman had it pretty good, overall.

shame

I have some friends who are lawyers. Sometimes when they talk about the situations they encounter in their jobs, I am overwhelmed by what happens in the world. One friend's job involves going to public hearings about the construction of a Hindu temple near town, to make sure none of the locals violates our state's religious freedom laws by saying something stupid like "well, this here's a Christian community." That sentiment is obviously still in their hearts, but instead the discussions center on their made-up concerns with the plan: drainage, irrigation, parking, anything they can think of to slow down the approval of a nice temple that will probably even bring them some business.

Another one who I met recently works on cases of abused and neglected children. Apparently prosecutors with that job are 3 or 4 times more likely to be [assaulted? killed?] than average people. I wonder if it's because people who abuse children just choose the children because they're easy targets, but really could mistreat anybody. Maybe the way they communicate with people is just broken. I feel sick about how much that dynamic is based on power, and how easy it is for a person to be trapped and powerless.

I am ashamed of humanity's sexism, bigotry, poverty and cruelty. Even pretty tame examples from our apple-pie corner of the world bring up all kinds of shock and anger and shame. I don't know what to do. Unfortunately, all I know to do with evil people is actual fighting, which isn't useful. It would be enough to drive me to violence, though, if only that would help.

Edit: I wrote this a long, long time ago and never published it. Now it's a little less fresh, and I'm ok with seeing it on the internet.

I love to eat

Wikipedia has a whole section about Chinese vegetables. I spent a lot of time at work last week reading about hollow vegetable and Chinese broccoli. It's exciting to me, because I love food. Bdon & I went to a new grocery store today and found some tiny, tiny all-green bok choy. They were delicious! You could put the whole thing in your mouth at once!

When I go to my parents' house for vacation, I need to remember to bring some things along that I don't want to look for or go without while I'm there. For instance, my brothers and I have a secret plan that will require some sweet rice flour. I also want to bring my yoga mat, in hopes that it'll be a portable way to keep working out regularly. And I should probably bring along some Chinese to review - maybe these children's books that I have. They look fun.

meditation, meditation. me di ta tion. meditation.

We possitas haven't been doing a lot of yoga lately, but I think that is about to change. I'm excited - back in the summer we went every week and I really liked it. But recently we've been going to this tea ceremony at the Japan House instead, and I don't have time for both. I've decided I prefer yoga.

I've also been practicing more taiji. Last night I didn't feel sleepy right away so I did a tiny bit of sitting meditation before bed. It helps a lot. I haven't had trouble sleeping in at least a year - maybe I need to reexamine some things about my schedule. But more taiji is good, whatever my reasoning. Maybe I can get into a morning taiji / evening yoga (or vice versa) routine.

adventures are so six months ago

I feel like there are a lot of individual things going on with a lot of individual friends, and it all adds up to a general malaise. Not all of it is bad: D. is graduating and making awesome plans. Bdon has the kind of job that will help him get into grad school in the field it seems like he wants to be in (but does he want to be in it? His usual enthusiasm is MIA). Some of us have genuinely good things going on: F. is going to graduate and I think his plans are to stay local for grad school. I've been getting a lot done on my own research lately. But Matt seems generally discontented, the psych crew is always busy and they all have the same long face, and Bdon also has plenty of things to get him down. I'm concerned. I don't know how to cheer up people who don't have time to cheer up. Or maybe this is a feeling only I have, and it just makes me interpret other changes in a different way.

A completely separate thought: I like it when my man shows off for me! Not obvious things like muscle-flexing (though that's fine too), but little stuff. Like thoughtfully shaving before we are going to spend time together. Or a little butt shake in my direction. Maybe wearing a nice shirt and asking what I think of it (while making muscles?) when he already knows I dig it. These are things that girls know to do, because in a way we're more used to being pretty, having people look at us. I am glad when guys catch on, though! Keep the admiration channels open.

no time for losers

I was great at bjj today. We worked on open guard, which I have been trying to pay more attention to. I was glad because I love to play guard in general, and I feel like I have a lot more freedom when I can switch between closed and open. A push is no good without a pull, that kind of thing. This all started a while ago when everyone was doing koala guard for a month straight. Today it was butterfly. I feel like I am starting to understand how to use my feet as hooks to throw guys around. It's weird - on Tuesday I felt all clumsy, couldn't make anything work, and today I'm a genius of balance. I am having jiujitsu mood swings.

Last night at about midnight F. and Bdon and G. and I all decided to make a pie. It was delicious, but maybe midnight pie is not such a good idea - when it was done, I just ate my slice and went straight home to sleep. Pie time should be more social.

I feel like I will be able to get a lot done this week because I am on break from class, but I think my expectations are getting kind of unrealistic. Time seems to go faster than it did back in the day. What used to be "a whole hour!" has turned into "only an hour?" somehow.

do you like me? check yes or no

How do you make blog-friends with somebody? There's a kind of cool guy in a terrible discussion on another blog, and I would like to make friends. Then I could talk to him separately from all these disgusting, rude, sexist people.

Holy cow democrats win

I'm relieved and optimistic! I want to send presents to Nancy Pelosi.

The death of suspense

TV series these days seem to think that "we're not going to tell you what's going on until next week" is the same as suspense. That just telling a weak story more slowly makes it more interesting. That's bullshit.

on gifts

Right now I'm doing all my mental Christmas shopping, deciding what to give to my friends (the family is mostly done). I love giving presents, but doing it right takes a lot of work.

If you don't know what someone wants, you get them a gift card. If have a wish list or something, you get them something from that. But if you are a gift-giving ninja, you find something that would have been on their wish list, if only they'd known it exists. Those are the best presents - things people didn't even know they wanted, but actually can't live without. Of course you have to know them pretty well for that. And you have to think about it a lot, which is what I've been doing this week.

untouchable for life

Yesterday at bjj, Jack was having us do a lot of one-move drills - "do kimuras continuously for a minute," for instance. A. had just returned from France, and Jack kept coming around and picking on her in his coachy way: "Pick it up, A.! Just because you've been in France for a month doesn't mean you get to slack off!" I speculated that maybe there was a special A.-only tournament somewhere that Jack wanted her to train for. Then apparently I got invited to the super secret tournament, because it was all, "Lookin' good, Kay See (that is how Jack says KC - with a lot of separation between the letters)! What, are you tired already? Keep moving, girl!" Nobody but us gets to go to the secret tournament, I guess. It was funny, but maybe you had to be there.

Oh! And I learned some new moves recently, I guess, because I surprised A. a couple of times with some tricks I learned while she was gone. Sometimes you don't feel like you've learned anything new, because everyone else has been improving too. Then someone goes on vacation, and when they get back you sweep them a couple times. Then they catch on and you don't have any tricks until they leave town again.

I was feling pretty good when I came home from practice, and maybe that contributed to the dream I had after I made a sandwich (grilled avocado, tomato, and cheese is the best) and went to sleep. Basically what happened is that I turned into a very happy superhero.

First, some guy I know - maybe it was R. - found a kind of plant in California. If you ate it, you became immortal. So a placeholder group of friends and I all went to California to eat it in this forest. It was no lie - not like we tested it by trying to die, but you definitely felt different after eating the plant. I was bursting with energy, so I jumped into the air in a particular way and discovered that the plant could also make you fly. It felt a lot like swimming, but faster. I even dunked some guys.

A girl we knew was being coerced into marrying an evil guy - he wanted her money I guess. She'd escaped, but for some reason I don't actually understand he'd captured a different girl and was going to have her stand in for the first girl at the wedding ceremony. Then somehow he would be married to the girl who wasn't there. I talked to some people in the wedding party about it, and they agreed - I specifically remember saying to one guy, "You're a jerk, but you're not evil." He was convinced by that and helped us break up the party. A chase scene involving some catering followed. In particular a taco buffet was adversely affected by the chase.

Resting in a water garden after having saved the day, we saw a woman in a wedding dress start singing and walk into the water. It was a ceremony that belonged to a culture that my dream had completely invented. A lot of other women who were involved in her wedding all got in the water and sang together. The ritual was intended just to bless the wedding, but the feeling in my dream was that their singing had also consecrated us, the immortality plant, the water, and our future of immortality.

I told T. about this dream and she asked me to send her some of whatever I'd been drinking. Avocado sandwiches? BJJ? I don't know if it's repeatable. But I felt awesome all morning.

fight back to school

On Friday I dropped one of my classes. It was right before the midterm, and the TA seemed perplexed by that - most people take the midterm and then drop if they do badly. But I was less concerned with my grade than with the time the class was consuming. I was turning in 20 pages of homework weekly and studying extra to make up for confused presentation in lecture. It wasn't even thoughtful homework, it was usually 6 versions of almost the same number-crunching problem. I wanted the credits so I could be done taking classes sooner (I plan to finish the credit requirements next year), but the trade-off with research time was too steep. Being done with classes doesn't help me if I haven't got any research done. I feel like dropping this class has freed up at least 10 or 15 hours per week, and just yesterday I made some science progress. Problem solved!

I feel a little bad that I didn't sit the TA down and explain why I was dropping. I really felt like the class was being run into the ground, and that was what made me quit. I was getting a good grade in the class, participated in lectures, studied for the midterm I didn't even take, and I think those things would have made my opinion carry a little more weight. The thing is, when midterm evaluations came back pretty negative, this TA bitched out the class at the next lecture, in the "if you don't like how I teach you should drop" style. There's some truth to that, but if everyone in the class thinks you teach badly, there's probably something to it and you shouldn't write them off as whiners who should drop the class. That's bad form. So I felt like I could possibly have changed the class for the better (as sort of a public service) by explaining why I was quitting, but I didn't want to get into it with somebody who takes criticism so badly.

I'm looking forward to bjj today. I should learn Perl so I can write a script that includes that line in everything I post on a Tuesday or Saturday. A. might even be back today. I hope she had fun in France.

为我弟弟干杯

Internet twiddling led me to this entertaining article about the history of drinking in China. The best part is this:

Writers also set out rules in their essays which were to be followed when drinking alcohol.

For example, one's drinking companions should be "elegant, unrestrained, forthright, understanding, old friends or beautiful". The best places for drinking should be "in front of flowers, in the bamboo forest, in a high pavilion, in a boat, in a peaceful villa, along a zig-zag stream or by a lotus pool".

And the best time for drinking should be "spring, a time when flowers are blooming, or in cool autumn, or after snow, or on rainy days or on nights with a crescent moon".

我第一弟弟学习中文

My brother is learning Mandarin too now. Awesome! We can now tell secrets at family gatherings. Though he probably doesn't know very much yet - I bet most of the secrets will be "Uncle so-and-so is very tall." "Does he have a dog?" "No, he doesn't have a dog. Aunt such-and-such has a dog."

Oh man, I have to look up how to say aunt and uncle again. I forget words about as fast as I learn them.

Goshin jitsu is today. Joker posted on the GJ message board, speculating about whether MMA-type training is the same as hazing, along with a scanned-in copy of an article that made me want to puke. He was wondering whether all that work helps these guys somehow, or if he's actually just a big fat bully. I think whether he's a bully or not is in his head, and depends on his intentions - we're all getting something out of it, though, so if he intends to be a bully and make us unjustifiabley miserable maybe he should step it up.

There's some validity in the idea that martial arts training is kind of a rite of passage, though. It's overwhelmingly full of young men who probably find confidence in their own strength through testing it, and social acceptance in a group of other men who are doing the same thing. I admit that I also want to be liked, especially by people who are better at martial arts than me.

As for women like me.... well, there's no reason we can't want those things. Our priorities are just skewed from all the women who look for validation from other women by worrying together about their weight & looks or doing yoga together or something. Not that I don't dig yoga, it's just that in the US it's a very female activity and there's certain kinds of lady activities that surround that.

I was kind of down yesterday because I feel like everybody else improves faster at bjj than I do. Today I'm not down, I just guess I should work harder & smarter. If only I were smart!

Energy levels, excited states

I'm taking three classes this semester (3rd semester Chinese, an optics lab, and a communications signal processing course). That adds up to 12 hours, as the university counts it. I'm a 4th-year grad student, and my courseload would count as full-time for an undergrad! Is this stupid? Yes.

I do have a good reason (for the two non-Chinese classes): if I take 7 hours of applicable class per semester, I'll be done with classes after next fall. That's incentive, right there. I do not have a good reason for taking Chinese - I mean, it's useful, tons of people speak it in my department, I do think it would be fun to visit China, etc etc. But those aren't reasons on the same level as "it counts towards my degree" is a reason.

Taking this many classes, getting back into taiji, keeping up with BJJ/JKD, and hitting Goshin Jitsu once a week (I want to work on my stand-up fighting) makes me feel like I never have any down time. I never had any before, but that was because I spent a lot of time being social - White Horse Thursdays, pool at Crane Alley after BJJ Tuesday nights, lots of Settlers of Catan... I filled that time up. Now I have to empty that time out again, so I can spend it on school. It's hard saying "no, I can't go out" when I'm not used to it. I don't doubt I can make it, but it demands a slightly harder, more serious side of LV.

Oh! Also I'm volunteering (mostly - they feed us sometimes and I get a little money) as a graduate mentor for an undergraduate women engineers' mentoring & professional development class. I get to skip all the boring resume-writing and professional developing, and take ladies on tours of my lab, sing karaoke with them, introduce them to professional types that I know, and other fun big sister things. Awesome!

rock facts rock facts rock facts

I want to go to Ladies Rock Camp. There's one in Portland and one in NYC, and both are fundraisers for local Girls Rock camps. I'm excited about it, because I like to rock but I'm not very good at it, and this is a chance to practice rocking with some ladies that won't make too much fun of my problems, since we're all supposed to be learning.

I also like the idea of giving money to rock camps for girls, because more girl rockers = more rockers = more good bands.

heaven on wheels

My bike's rolling again after about a month of exchanging grease for dust in the extra bedroom. I hadn't checked the bottom bracket for a while, and suddenly it was creaky and wobbly. Busy and lazy as I am, I tried to take it to the bike shop to get it fixed, but the bike guy told me to do it myself (you have to know this bike guy for that to make sense).

The reason I didn't ride my bike for such a long time is that it's unlucky. Right before I started having these problems, somebody kicked and bent my back tire. As soon as that was fixed I noticed the bottom bracket problem. I wanted to buy a sealed bottom bracket to replace it, but even that took three trips to the bike shop. It went like this:

"I want a sealed bottom bracket."
"Do you know what size you need? Bring in the old part so we can tell."
"I know what kind of bike I have. Does that help?"
"No."

(later)

"I want a sealed bottom bracket. Here's the old one."
"Do you know what size you need?"
"Uh... last time I was here, you asked to see the old part so you could tell what size I need."
"No, we actually have to measure the shell on your frame."
"I know what kind of bike I have. Does that help?"
"Oh, ok. It's probably this one."

(later)

I'm at home putting my bike back together, and (oh no!) the new part doesn't fit. Thing is, there's two sizes of these, a big size and a smaller size. They are supposed to have sold me the smaller size, yet this one is too big. What's going on? I measure my bike and it's 68 mm. I put the part together outside my bike and measure it; it's 73 mm, but it's marked 68. Huh? I look closer. The cartridge itself is marked 68 mm, but there's a collar that holds it still on the other end, and that's marked 73. Back to the bike shop. They are very speedy, for once, and immediately give me the right piece. Awesome! So today I get to bike to work.

j-j-johnny and me

When I lived in Royal Oak, before my youngest brother was born, I went to preschool and kindergarten with A., who was my very best friend. We moved away when I was six, but A. and I kept in touch for a surprisingly long time - longer, I think, than we were actually in-person friends.

When I visited her for the last time, I must have been 13 or so. We didn't have a lot in common anymore - I remember watching Spaceballs and playing a lot of Sorry!. She played a tape for me ("She Don't Use Jelly") that I didn't really get into, and after that we didn't talk much anymore.

These days I realize she was a lot cooler than I was back then, all listening to the Flaming Lips and watching funny grown-up movies. I wonder what she did with herself after that.

yeah, some people want to steal her heart

Globe-trotting!

Everybody's friend Ryan returned from his time in Kazakhstan for the Peace Corps recently, and a commemorative party was held this weekend. I drove with T. and Bdon to Chicago, spent Friday night and Saturday morning gently chilling, and bought a very sexy new shirt before the real party began.

Swashbuckling!

After a round of vodka shots accompanied by a horse sausage chaser, the rowdiness of the party shot up precipitously. The guest of honor got it into his head to play a game of baseball. Lacking a bat and a ball, we were forced to use an umbrella and hamburger buns. Similarly, lacking space in Neal's backyard, a baseball contingent trekked to the boulevard part of Logan Boulevard. (This isn't as dangerous as it sounds - Logan is divided into three parts, not two: a four-lane, two-way center road with smaller one-way streets on each side. So the boulevard was at the side of the main road.) Since the hamburger buns smashed in midair whenever we hit them, there wasn't really a way to catch the ball or tag anyone out, and we pretty much had to tackle the runner once they hit the bun. The game quickly degenerated into some friendly grappling between Ryan and me, since he'd been asking me a bit about bjj earlier. Bystanders helpfully removed our glasses, both Ryan's shoes and one of mine. (Maybe they were afraid we'd kick each other?) Not long after that, we returned to the main party at Neal's place, me with one dirty sock and one clean sock, Ryan with grass prints all over himself.

Romance!

Back at Neal's place, the fact that J. and T. (who dated each other a long time ago) had each brought a relatively new significant other led to some entertaining storytelling. Everyone had an embarrassing story from J. or T.'s younger, less dignified days. I don't know if J. and T. enjoyed it, but everyone else had a great time. J. and T. sure did a lot of cutely dumb things back in the day.

Adventure!

Everyone at the party liked my new shirt, and it was generally agreed that I can do a little bit of style. So Ryan asked me to go shopping with him Sunday with the goal of helping him become more dashing. Shirts were found without too much trouble, and then we passed Myopic Books, where I picked up One Hundred Years of Solitude and Love in the Time of Cholera. The whole outing was a good time, punctuated by us periodically getting slightly lost. That was fine, though - it just led to extra car time listening to some great albums I hadn't heard in a while. On the way to drop Ryan back off at Jake's place, we passed a coffee house that looked delicious even from the outside - after a hot afternoon of walking around, lemonade was impossible to pass up. I had intended to go home after that, but the J Team and T. wanted to have dinner in Chinatown and I was forced to change my mind. Another slightly-lost episode and a theory about Built to Spill later, we were having bubble tea and waiting for a table with them. Dinner was at Lao Si Chuan, apparently widely known as one of the better Chinese places in town. Delicious! Everyone went to Jake's place for a little while, and then I had a long and exhausting drive home.

when my mind is uncertain my body decides

Yesterday, after a lazy morning and a little bit of work, I met up with B. for a bit of BJJ. He'd missed class Tuesday, so I showed him the two new mount escapes from that practice. Truthfully, I can't get them to work very well, or very consistently. However, having four options for escaping mount instead of two makes my game immensely better even though I am not great at many of them. It makes it easier to keep my opponent from settling down and starting to try submissions. Also, the tiniest details can change how really basic things feel: I concentrated on not lying flat on my back when on the bottom in cross-side, and I was a lot more successful.

After a satisfying and educational hour of jiujitsu and a stint at taiji club, the posse hit one of Champaign's worst bars, the White Horse, to see some possitos play in Champaign's hottest new band, Porn Chowder.



These dudes are going to play at my birthday party. It's going to be awesome.

not good at bjj practice yesterday

Some days, everything you try works. Other days, you try everything and nothing works.

I learned a couple of things, I just felt like I had two left hands the whole time.

Edit: If I let this bother me, does it mean I don't have a good attitude? Eh, everybody gets frustrated. But not everybody drills the next day.

little vicious goes to goshin jitsu

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preventive care

I sprain my ankles pretty frequently (once or twice a year). I just did it again. This is a link to remind me to do exercises for them.

winners get sandwiches

Ever since Brandon & I decided we'd go to that jiujitsu tournament, people at our school have been saying, "You guys are going to tear it up." I'd never heard that expression before, so my mind would immediately fill with the same kind of images that result from hearing about actors chewing the scenery. I had trouble not laughing.

It was a good prediction, though - I won my three-woman division, though I doubt I'd have done as well in the much larger men's lightweight bracket. There was a lot of variety in the matches I had - my two opponents were very cool and very different from each other.

My first and third matches were against J., a woman who was about my size and had killer takedowns. I spent some time trying to get the takedown myself, but she up and threw me, surprising me both times. I always landed with guard, though, and in the first match this led straight to a cross-collar choke. In the third (my second with her), I caught her with a sweep and the match ended (much later than the first one) when I managed a sleeve choke from mount.

My second match was with H., a woman who was much bigger than me - she was the only person in her weight class, so she got mixed in with mine. I was a little concerned about that at first, since size really is an advantage, and she was 1-and-1 with the first girl. But this time I got the takedown, and she kept giving me chances to go to her back. It seemed like her thoughts were, "She's got a better position, I have to get away," and getting away meant turning her back. So I went to the back and she squirmed partly out of it, but when she was on her side I hit an arm bar. I didn't get it very tight at first, and she fought it and rolled us both over, but eventually tapped. At first I didn't hear her (maybe because of the upside-downyness), and I felt pretty bad about that, but she turned out to be OK.

I didn't realize it would make such a big difference, but having coaches really changes the way the game is played. At least two or three times in this whole thing, one of Dan or Mike or Jack pointed out an opportunity I didn't see, or didn't initially think I could make. I'd try it, and it would work, and that would really change the match. Those guys are excellent.

H. was actually from the school my brothers are about to start going to. I met a couple of the girls from Michigan, and they were great. I hope I get to visit them when I'm up there in a couple of weeks.

Oh! And my parents came to see the tournament. I sat with them for a while at the beginning, and they asked things like, "Why is that guy upside down?" But they saw a day-long tournament's worth of matches, I sat with them and helped explain what was up for a while, and by the end they were cheering: "Squish him, B!" My dad even noticed the Jiujitsu Faces on people and asked about it (I'm glad I'm not the only one). After my bracket was all done, we hit a grocery store and made a huge sub sandwich to pass around. Everybody loved it. All those macho guys I go to school with wish their moms would come watch them.

It was funny when Jack met my mom, though. He started saying, "OK, don't freak out, KC's not going to get hurt..." and my mom was all, "Are you kidding? Do you think I don't know this chick?" And I was in the middle, thinking "Ja-ack, you're embarrassing me!"

on looks

Last night I read this post at Feministe, which is commentary about another post at Creek Running North. It's about something that has always felt wrong to me about what the internets call "fat acceptance": can't we admit that sometimes being really fat is not good while still refusing to blame fat people for what might actually be a social problem? (If you want to hear about how social structures can make people fat, read those posts - though they don't mention having a sit-down job with long hours, and they should.)

But that whole conversation isn't what I'm thinking about - I finished thinking about it last night. This morning I put on a shirt that says "this is what a feminist looks like" and some sexy pants. Then I thought, "Is it OK to be feminist and want people to like how my butt looks?" Then I thought, "That's a stupid question. Of course it is."

The conflict stems from a common reaction to an idea that is actually not so bad. People start from "patriarchal beauty standards are screwed up and unhealthy, and the amount of pressure there is on women to look a certain way is definitely bad." That's completely fine. But then they conclude: "we should never think that some people look better than others." That's unrealistic and, I think, also bad.

People have eyes, and they look at each other. Eyes are just tools - they're not necessarily Tools Of The Patriarchy. Relationships are based partially on sexual attraction, which is based partially on looks. Denying that will just lead to guilt and conflictedness about making visual judgements. But it's possible to make visual judgements that don't reinforce unhealthy ideas of beauty. Just like (going back to how I got on this topic) how it's possible to admit that sometimes fatness is bad without blaming, discriminating against, or being hurtful to the fat people themselves.

time to branch out, BJJ anthropology

I've been saying for a while that I need to start rolling with more & different people in jiujitsu. I'm not going to abandon the regulars - there's just a lot I could learn from certain people I don't often work with. The thing is, I'm shy (especially around people that are better than me at something). And the phenomenon that I call Jiujitsu Face doesn't help.

See, when people are rolling, they try to be relaxed so they don't tire themselves out, and they're usually thinking hard and paying close attention to what's going on. They may also be trying to look cool. This leads to Jiujitsu Face: the characteristic face a person makes during a match. People with Jiujitsu Face often make faces that look disappointed, bored, concerned, or very mildly amused.

Sometimes they continue making their Jiujitsu Face off the mat. Then how do I tell if they're actually disappointed or bored, or if they just made that face so long it got stuck that way? Should I be taking this disappointed, bored, concerned person away from the object of his disappointment? Is what seems to me an enjoyable match during open mat really an imposition?

Of course it's not. Hardly anybody is ever annoyed because somebody wants to roll with them. That's why they're still hanging around during open mat. They'd just leave if they weren't interested in doing any more work. But Jiujitsu Face - even though I have one of my own - fools me into being a little less outgoing. Weird.

expensive things I am not going to buy (at least not now)

1. Important, classic book on electromagnetics. (J. A. Stratton, Electromagnetic Theory, McGraw-Hill, New York, 1941.)
2. Sexy gray sequined pants from The Limited. (2a. Pants in general.)
3. Exciting moonstone bracelet from hippy-dippy fair trade store.
4. As much sushi as usual.
5. New glasses.
   

I'm kind of pouty about this. It's not like my life is really luxurious, but I am weak-willed and like to be smart, pretty, and well-fed.

it just continues on that way

From fmhLisa, posting in Hugo Schwyzer's blog (I rarely agree with the guy, and he often assumes that everyone else's experience has the same meaning as his, but the writing is thoughtful at least):

I changed my name when I married at the ripe-old age of nineteen. But I don't think I'd do so now.

I'm still married to the same lovely man, and much much more committed to him now, after thirteen years and three children.

I'm so glad I married him (even so young) but knowing what I do now, I wouldn't advise nineteen-year-old me to change the name.

Basically, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want to cause a stir within my family, I was only just deciding that I was a feminist at all. But I do feel like I lost something of myself, gave up my own identity, when he was not expected to, nor did he even understand the sacrifice. And it just continues on that way, women giving up stuff and men not noticing until you beat them about the heads with it.

I feel pretty lucky that I am able to refuse to just give things up like this. It is an important point, though, and just because I'm avoiding it in most areas of my life doesn't mean everyone else is as privileged as me. I'll come back to this later.

Edit: originally I said that Amanda at Pandagon had posted that, and it didn't sound right then either. But I was confused by the order of comments & the names of their authors. Sorry, all y'all.

irrepressible

Excitement: B. & I are going to compete in a BJJ tournament in June. We're trying to get F. to compete too, but right now he's saying he just wants to come watch us. I'm a little concerned about that - F. isn't the kind of guy to skip a chance to meet & roll with new people just because there's a little pressure on. Why's he so reticent now? We've gotta get that guy's confidence up.

In the way of preparation for this advenure, the three of us have changed the way we do matches. Normally we start from knees and go until somebody gets tapped out, and don't really keep score. (This is partly because it's often just me and B., and it doesn't make sense to put a time limit on your matches when there's only two of you.) Yesterday we switched it up, with five-minute matches starting from standing, and it forced me to play a lot differently. I'm not strong and big, so I often am not very aggressive in matches, but I found I didn't have so much time for that. Also my takedowns really suck. I learned a lot, though, and we're going to do it again today.

I'm so excited about BJJ. Anytime fighting comes up (and sometimes when it doesn't), sirens go off in my brain: "eeeeeee i get to do bjj this is so exciting!"

I think everyone else is tired of it.

post punk

My hair has faded to a minty, silvery blue-green (I've been swimming a lot). Some people say it looks "industrial." Maybe it looks a little verdigris-ish, but I was surprised by that.

Yesterday, a BJJ seminar. I learned a lot of great techniques. Also, the guy (visiting from Phoenix, originally from Brazil) talked hilariously about sex all the time. I liked that he swore a lot, though. It let me forgive a little bit of his interesting opinions about ladies.

plumb tuckered out

I swam for the first time in a month or so yesterday. It took a little of the fire out of my jiujitsu later in the day, but I am trying to swim more frequently so that doesn't happen. To that end, I planned on swimming today, but I couldn't make myself do it. I've got reasons - I didn't get a lot of sleep and wanted to go home and nap, I was hungry, my legs were sore . . . but I think all of those things would have been improved by a little time in the pool. Oh well. I'll work out on land tonight, test the water again tomorrow.

(I wrote my first lecture ever today! I think I should have taken maybe twice as long to give it - I definitely went too fast - but it was very informative anyway.)

Compliments

I was on the quad today, just minding my own business buying a delicious popsicle (paleta, actually), when some guys gave me these:


These days there is no such thing as me minding my own business. I mostly enjoy it - not many people go out of their way to say they disapprove of my [green] hair, but plenty of them tell me they dig it. A few people, perhaps struck dumb by my stylishness, can only manage "Hey! Ayyy, green!" - sometimes I smile and wave, other times I tell them I already knew about that. I think looking unusual makes people more willing to approach me. People on the bus, on the street, in the hallway at work, at jiujitsu class, at the park, and at the grocery store all have an opinion. Everybody on the street normally (when my hair is brown) just avoids eye contact. In some ways, this is a lot better.

I recently had to send in a businesslike picture of myself, and I sent that one . . . after converting it to black and white.

I'm like many other martial artists: I wish women would take up fighting sports more. I am actually a little lonely on the mat. Thing is, if I wasn't already into it I don't think I would want to take up martial arts, because I'm put off by the way people market these arts to women. Every ad you see for women's martial arts classes mentions self defense, and I don't believe that's a good way to get women interested for the long haul. "Self defense" is good for selling a weekend seminar, but for something that takes as much time and effort as real martial arts training it's not good motivation. These ads boil down to "study martial arts or you might get raped."

I still might get raped! I am getting pretty good at this fighting thing, but there's always someone who can defeat you. I'm not learning martial arts for self-defense. I spend as much time on martial arts as I might spend on a part-time job because I'm having a good time, not because some ad obliquely threatened me.

Girls just want to get jobs

Citing a recent study by two psychologists (one of them Martin E. P. Seligman, author of Learned Optimism), Washington Post education reporter Jay Mathews called attention to evidence that self-discipline—in particular, a capacity for deferred gratification—may be the best predictor of academic success, better than IQ: Do your homework, and plenty of practicing, before you watch television or sit down to play Xbox. That sounds, I know, like irresistible grist for an argument about whether and why girls might have an innate gift for just that kind of goody-goody, grindlike behavior, but let's not start it. It's a disservice to girls to portray them as destined for diligence, as though conscientious effort were a second-rate recourse for slower or steadier minds, rather than what is really is: a crucial choice that helps ensure long-term success. And it's an even bigger disservice to boys and their college prospects to reinforce the idea that discipline and self-denial are sissy stuff.

This from the end of an article in Slate on the recent ballyhoo about boys not doing their homework. It used to be girls who were too easily distracted to be well-suited for the rigorous academic life. Girls: irrational, emotional, unreliable, college-bound. What goes around comes around, fellas.

dementia pugilistica (in which I talk about fighting)

Recently I've been trying to find girls who want to take up brazilian jiujitsu. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I haven't had much luck. I want some company, and somebody else to help keep the ex-wrestlers in line (they need an ass-kicking periodically or they get uppity). There would be plenty of benefit for the hypothetical girl in question: muscles, fun, confidence, all that.

I just think girls need to get rid of the weakness mindset. I'm proud of my (still baby-size) muscles! They look nice! I'm proud that I could beat some people in a fight. And I'm having a good time. Who cares if it's not ladylike to get all sweaty. At least I'm not prancing around in spandex, stretching and making eyes at men lifting weights. Especially since the gyms I have access to are dominated by college students, that's a pretty common activity around here.

I've noticed that there are two styles of bjj-ers at my school. Especially among the white belts, there are a lot of ex-wrestlers, and they tend to be stronger than average so their matches involve a lot of big motions and powering through techniques. Then there are people who try to operate with a little more finesse - some are ex-wrestlers that got more skilled, but a lot of them are people like me: smaller than average, so they don't have the option of bench-pressing a guy and they have to do everything right. (Not that I do everything right - it's just that if I want to win I have to do everything right. I still lose a lot.) I've recently been avoiding the ex-wrestlers because they're tiring, but I guess that's something I'd better learn to handle.

There are some blogs out there written by women who box that I find encouraging: Brutal Women and Knife Fight are what I've come across so far. What I'm into isn't exactly boxing, but they seem to encounter the same attitudes about women and fighting that I've been thinking about. Truth is, it's a little bit solitary, being a lady fighter. Maybe it would help if I lived in a bigger city.