week-ender

Sunday morning I read Ender's Game, which Matt gave me for Christmas. For a long time, I'd been planning on reading it but the time never seemed right. That's partly because I have weird behavior when it comes to books - I know if I start reading one, I'll read it as continuously as possible until it's finished. Stupid analogy: when that happens I think of the West Wing episode where Leo is explaining how he can't just have one drink - he has to get smashed. I have to... get book-smashed. But anyway, I think this reading style is part of the reason I haven't finished certain books: long, complex things like Gravity's Rainbow or Ulysses physically can't be read the way I got used to reading when I was a kid. I did a good job pacing myself with Norwegian Wood; maybe this summer I could take on an intimidating book without reverting to marathon reading sessions and long, forgetful rests.

events

Classes ended for the school year. I partied for four days straight, made some new friends, was hung over, took some finals, got a blue belt in BJJ, and threw a party for my graduating friend.

The BJJ thing is a big deal to me. Belts aren't easy to come by. I'd been a white belt for two years, and I do actually put some work into it. I feel like this is something I have to live up to. I don't feel like I am as good now as the blue belts I know were when they were my "age." Maybe that's because they and I have been improving, so we don't have an objective measure of how good anyone is or was. I feel like I have responsibilities now. Mostly they involve being a good "big sister" type to new people, and working hard so I don't suck at BJJ myself. The Indianapolis tournament is going to be a whole new animal now.

towering

Back in high school I used to be a non-actor in the drama club. I stage managed and built sets, worked the lights, and designed a few things. A few days ago I dreamed I was visiting my high school and there was some sort of drama emergency - they needed me to do some backstage stuff.

I had a few minutes to prepare for the show, so I was walking around taking charge. I was standing in the audience, and saw R. from BJJ standing on the next step down from me. I went over to say hi, and he scowled and said, "Don't tower over me like that." I think it's weird that somebody would show up in my dream just to scold me for being tall.

finals month

This month is disgustingly hard. I'm close to the end, but I'm going to be pretty unhappy between now and then. At least I'll never have to do it again - I have two classes' worth of credit left to take, and I'm not going to take them in the same semester.

After classes end, Porn Chowder is playing on May 5th - what a great day to have a show! I wonder if they know any songs in Spanish.

Also, I ran 2.5 10-minute miles today. I know I ran 3 miles a while ago, but those were slower. I could probably have pushed it to 3 today, but running is kind of boring.

off the mat(s)

Some yoga teachers like to classify life into "on the mat" (yoga related) and "off the mat" (not yoga). But those phrases also have a parallel BJJ meaning, so whenever yoga people say that I always get distracted trying to reconcile the fact that anytime I do yoga I am both on and off the mat simultaneously, depending on how you define "the mat". I don't really have this problem when BJJ people use the expression, because I hear it a lot more often in that context.

When's Porn Chowder going to play again? I heard it was in the first week or so of May, but I need to know. I need a countdown.

stereotype threat

That study I read a while ago about stereotype threat, besides pointing out that if you imply that blondes are stupid they'll do worse on math tests, also had interesting points about how people can be defended against stereotype threat. I think the main thing was that if you tell people a stereotype exists but science has shown that it isn't true, they don't have problems. I don't remember exactly.

So I've been wondering: my project for the teaching class is about differences in confidence, expectations, and performance between male and female engineering majors. Am I stereotype-threatening myself? Or am I defending myself against stereotypes by educating myself about the causes of observed differences?

Also, the lab I'm taking in the fall is at the same time as the 5th-semester Chinese class. So it turns out I have to learn Portuguese. I can always take more Chinese next year.

os alquimistas dao le

Should I take a fifth semester of Chinese in the fall, or should I learn Portuguese? I'm considering it because I've heard the next Chinese classes focus a lot more on reading and less on speaking. I think speaking is more fun, so I'm kind of disappointed by that. Also, since I am into BJJ there is some incentive for me to learn some Portuguese. I'd probably be a quick study, too, because I used to be pretty good at French.

lady-specific ailments

Guys, I'm not shy. If you don't want to hear about boobs and things, wait until I post something else.

Turns out that the reason I was so hungry last week was that girl week just started. Strange things happen to me around that time. I don't really have the stereotypical cranky-and-crying thing. Usually not much happens, but the sudden eating streak was unusual and worthy of comment.

Additionally, I went to jiujitsu today, sweated a lot, and then got really cold. I took off my under-armor shirt and just wore the t-shirt around in hopes that I would warm up, but it didn't work: my bra was cold. There's no resolving that problem.

Also I forgot to drink my tea again. This time it just got cold, not bitter.

just in time, too

I just ran three miles. In a row.

sick is the new well

I was sick this weekend, so I didn't hang out with people very much. It's amazing how much I can get done when I'm avoiding doing anything. I caught up on some homework and made soup. I'm very proud of this soup and plan to eat it for lunch all week. I'm not totally done with all my homework yet, but I am also not feeling as frustrated as when I took three weeks to do one problem, because those two problems are done.

I also returned a vetoed bridesmaid dress, and my fight shorts have been shipped. I'm especially excited about the shorts. I bet I'll have them by Saturday. I hope I am feeling better enough tomorrow that I can enjoy BJJ.

Do I want to be a professor at a gigantic research university? I've always assumed I do, but I think that's because everyone assumes that is what PhD students want. Would I be happier at a smaller tech college or something? The truth is, I don't want to work hard in a discouraging environment with the threat of failure hanging over me at every turn. And it's beginning to sound like that's how it'd feel, competing for tenure with half a dozen other young faculty.

winners get shorts

These are the shorts I wanted that have been listed online as out of stock for months. I sent the site an email and asked when they might have more of them, and their response was that they already do! I ordered some yesterday. I imagine they'll arrive in a week or so.

Also, I left the bag in my tea for too long and now it's really bitter.

pation

I thought when I got back from the Pan Ams I wouldn't be so distracted anymore, but I was wrong. My plane arrived in Champaign from LA at about 1:30 Sunday night. The traveling was rough, but everything else about this weekend was so good that I still can't concentrate on work.

FIGHTING FACTS

First and foremost, Team McV competed ridiculously well. We brought home a pile of medals and were the second place team in the white belt competition. Second, I personally did ridiculously well, taking gold in a 5-person division. Third, the weekend was also really fun off the mat. Here's the story.

In the weeks leading up to the tournament, my guard suddenly stopped working so well. In retrospect, it was probably because everyone else started training harder. But at the time, I was worried: guard used to be what I was good at! I started thinking maybe I should switch and try to play the top at the tournament instead.

I was still mulling this over as my first match started. I hesitated, and the other girl jumped guard. It wasn't a great jump - I got her feet open reasonably quickly and started to pass. But she had me in a gogoplata for a little while, which was surprising and very uncomfortable. I'd never seen it before, and it took me a while to figure out what was going on and how to get out of it. I passed and took mount, she actually slipped out backwards, and I mounted her again. I was pretty tired at this point (still coughing from the choke), but I looked over at the guys on my team and they were all motioning for me to hold still because time was short. I probably would have done something stupid if not for them.

After that first match I realized I would really rather play from the bottom, so in my second match I jumped guard right away. Take that! She tried to pass, but instead set herself up to get triangled. I was still tired from getting choked by the first girl, coughing whenever I breathed too hard, so I was glad to have the match finish early.

I think my third match was really weird. I jumped guard and got my hands in for a cross-collar choke right away. My grip was ok - she could defend it, but if she didn't defend it I'd choke her. She defended it but couldn't make me let go, and I held on to that cross-collar for a really long time. At one point her face turned kind of purple and she waved her arms weakly - I was sure she was going to tap - but then she suddenly recovered. Damn! At that point I let go because I wanted to sweep her, but as soon as I did she opened up her neck again. I replaced the choke. I had gotten an advantage from something or other, and my guys were all on the side telling me to wait it out. I wasn't so sure (what if she passes and gets two points?) but I was also very tired, so I did what they said. It turned out ok - she pretty much couldn't move with the choke on anyway. That was the first time I have ever won by advantage. After the match was over, Adrienne said I held that same choke for something like three minutes. My hands were pretty tired.

Speaking of, Adrienne did really well herself in the blue belt division, and she said flattering things about me in her blog.

Competition feels different from practice. In practice everybody's got their individual goals, so you're working and you are together but you're not really working together. In competition, for 5 minutes everybody concentrates on winning one match at a time. Teammates keep time for you, encourage you, help you with strategy, and tell you the score. It's great to be on the mat with a bunch of guys backing you up, and it's also really fun to support your teammates when they're competing. Tournaments make the school seem more like a team.

OFF THE MAT STUFF

But when we weren't at the tournament watching or doing BJJ, we had some adventures. Everyone squeezed into Jimmy's car and we hit the Cheesecake Factory for some snacks, since nobody was trying to make weight anymore. There was also plenty of tequila and other drinks to go around. Feanil required that we take a trip to the beach, so that came right afterward. Somehow, when I got back everyone knew that I fell down while we were running to the ocean, but nobody knew it was because I was catching up to Jimmy and stepped on his foot. That is what happens when someone else tells the story first. But Jimmy is a cool guy, and probably singlehandedly responsible for everyone having such a good time Saturday. I hope he comes around sometime so we can order him some cookies - he was mesmerized by the idea that you can get them delivered.

I wanted to go BJJ shopping while we were there - I need to get some fight shorts - but it didn't happen. Maybe I'll just buy some online, but I am concerned that they'll fit weirdly, because they all say things like "new design to better accommodate you when you are wearing a cup!" Uh, thanks but no thanks, guys.

it helps to have company

From this post at Pandagon about why feminism is good for men, too:

The other side of the exercise and diet analogy is that healthy lifestyles tend to be easier and more rewarding in the collective. Eating better is much more fun if you have people who like the same food you do. Exercising is better around people who value it like you do. Feeling better is much more rewarding if you live with people who can keep up. Same with feminism—men who live in communities where their male friends are also feminist-minded and where they can have those meaningful relationships and friendships with feminist women tend to have a lot more reasons to embrace feminism. There’s not much reward to it if you have no access to women you can have those deeper relationships with and your male friends give you non-stop hell for your beliefs.

I've definitely noticed that it's easier to be virtuous in a lot of ways if everyone else around you is, too. It's even possible to be accidentally virtuous. For instance, I've been accidentally vegetarian for weeks at a time, just because I hang out with vegetarian people. I think that as feminists increase in number, accidental feminism will similarly become more common.

antici

I'm passing the time before F. and I leave for LA. First I was at work, but I couldn't concentrate, so I went home. But everything that can be packed has been packed, so I'm not sure what to do here either. Also! My shirts arrived today. I dress so snappy.

Yesterday in my teaching class, we discussed an article about the effects of unexamined assumptions on the classroom environment. Teachers can assume things about how learning works, the effectiveness of certain teaching methods, and even their relationship to their students and their schools. We talked about some kinds of assumptions that can be accidentally harmful. For instance: "teaching is a vocation, a calling, and I would do it for nothing." This one makes teachers feel good about themselves for being teachers, but also creates an obligation to put up with being overworked and earning low salaries. It also can make teachers profoundly guilty for not being constantly elated about their jobs. (Just like the similar assumption that everyone who is a mother loves being one.)

We also discussed some assumptions that were not mentioned by the article, and one of them was particularly interesting to me. I think engineering departments assume that "engineering education is intended to prepare students to be useful to their employers." At first this didn't seem so unusual, but I think in other disciplines it's more common for students to study the subject for its own sake, or because they want to put it to their own personal use. Literature, math, and languages are all subjects whose faculties think students are studying for more intrinsic reasons.

I think assuming that the purpose of engineering education is utility to corporate interests is particularly harmful, because educators are assuming that students aren't intrinsically motivated. It may even imply that students shouldn't be intrinsically motivated. Students tend to catch on to and adopt the assumptions of their instructors, so I think this assumption is likely to lead to students who don't have a personal stake in the profession. I don't think having a financial stake in it (in the form of a future job) counts the same way; in that sense the pressure to get good grades is a little bit like economic coercion. So when teachers assume students are studying the subject just to get jobs, the students themselves may be more likely to view their work as uninteresting and not personally relevant.

All registered athletes are in the list below

I leave for the Pan Ams this Thursday evening. My matches will be sometime Friday afternoon. I'm so excited! Now I have to go work out.

technology works as designed

I went for a run this morning with my new iPod. It was a lot easier and more fun than running with no music! Just like it's supposed to be! I wish the headphones had a clip, though -- the weight of the wire bouncing around sometimes causes them to wiggle out of my ears.

intrinsic aptitude my ass

I'm working on the references for the final project in a class on "College Teaching and Academic Careers." The project is a research proposal about classroom research; I'm writing mine about gender differences in participation styles. Having noticed that women often don't raise their hands and are more passive when doing group work, I want to come up with and test what I've named "low-stakes participation."

The whole thing seems to be a problem of confidence - active participation in class and small groups both builds and requires confidence. So maybe lowering the confidence requirement for participation will help train students (and women in particular) to be more confident in their ability.

Anyway, the article I am reading right now (Felder et al., "A longitudinal study of engineering student performance and retention: III. Gender differences in student performance and attitudes") keeps dropping bombs like this:

The converse question was also posed, i.e., what the most likely reason would be if the students performed above their expectations in the course (Table 10). Hard work was cited by the highest percentages of both men and women, but men were consistently more likely to report their own ability as the most likely factor while in four of five courses women were more likely to cite help or support from someone else. These attribution patterns match those observed by Fennema and Leder [25], who found that female mathematics students tend to attribute failure to themselves and success to help from others while male students tend to do the opposite.

Later on:

In the second semester of their senior year, the men remaining in the experimental course sequence were twice as likely as women to feel that they did more than their fair share in their groups and the women were significantly more likely to feel that their contributions were undervalued or ignored by other group members. This feeling is similar to one expressed by female Radcliffe College students, who reported that too often their contributions in small mixed study groups were not valued and so they preferred to study by themselves.

Yikes. And this, from a different article:

[Jacquelynne Eccles] found that even though girls got better math grades than boys, parents of daughters reported that math was more difficult for their child than parents of sons. For the math success of boys, parents rated talent and effort as equally important. For the math success of girls, parents said hard work was much more important than math talent. Ultimately, these young women have a lower opinion of their abilities in math and science and in their general intellectual abilities, even though they average higher college GPAs than young men.

And!

While boys quickly jump into a role and compete with one another to get their colleagues' attention and admiration, girls want to be in a group with people they like, and tend to wait to be invited or encouraged to assume roles.

Multiple sources and situations point to symptoms of the same disease. Lack of confidence and passivity are more common in women than in men, and they contribute negatively to learning.

Everyone agrees that group work is good, but how can instructors make sure confident students don't steamroll timid ones? In discussions with the whole class, the instructor can be there to guide the discussion and ask for contributions from students that need to be invited to participate. Small groups don't have the benefit of a facilitator like that.

Speedy!

I don't want to jinx it, but I think the weather has warmed up for good now. Even the ten-day forecast is in the 50s and 60s. Great news, because I just fixed my bike like you would not believe.

I'd been riding around with worn-out back brakes for a month or so - I could only use the front ones. Horribly unsafe, I know. This weekend I replaced the brake pads, and it's amazing how fast I can stop.

A week or so ago, it also came to my attention that there was some shifting trouble. I noticed the cable going into the shifter looked a little frayed, so at first I just tried replacing that. But the shifter itself had a very tiny, very important plastic nub broken off on the inside. This must have happened at some point before I noticed the problem (perhaps due to overzealously trying to shift) or maybe even while I was taking it apart to replace the cable. I spent the weekend messing with cables before I realized the shifter was broken, but it was absolutely no trouble to replace yesterday.

Last night I zipped over to Bdon's house and was reminded of the difference a sealed bottom bracket makes. Some things are so quietly good that you can only notice them when everything else is working properly.

I also got myself some fun bike accessories: a bell, so I don't have to ruin my bike-mood by shouting "get off the bike path" at people; a helmet that fits my head right, so I don't have to feel guilty for not wearing the old one that would just fall off anyway; and a great new red windbreaker that isn't intended specifically for cycling but works fabulously. It's even cut long in the back so my lower back doesn't get cold.

At work yesterday I mentioned my shifter story to R. (because I had the replacement in my bag at the time) and she said, "You take really good care of your bike, don't you?" People are surprised when you are a bike commuter and take good care of your bike, but nobody blinks when drivers take good care of their cars.

The thing is, I have to take good care of my bike. If I let something on my bike stay broken, it's unpleasant to ride, and then I'd rather just take the bus. Ewwwww, the bus. If I could make it more pleasant to ride in the winter, I'd even do it then. Not when there's snow in the road, though, because I'm worried about skidding. Maybe some ski goggles and one of those face hoods would help the rest of the time. My main problem is the killer wind.

Speaking of unpleasant to ride, Matt's bike was broken for more than a year before he even tried to fix it. He'd been in a crash, and I guess when he fell he landed on the frame and bent it. It was not repairable. But before he got a shop to look at it, he was in limbo and couldn't start the process of preparing to replace the fallen soldier. G. has a book about motivation, and one of the interesting facts in it is that if you promise to help people but put them on a waiting list, the people on the waiting list actually improve more slowly than people who express interest but don't get put on a waiting list. Basically, if you tell them to wait before you'll help them, they won't help themselves in the meantime. But people who are not waiting will improve on their own. Matt's bike feelings were, I think, a little like that. He threw it away Saturday night. All that's left is the front wheel, which we kept in case I ever screw mine up. Pour one out for a faithful old bike, y'all.

Completely ridiculous

Some people don't believe me when I say this is a real thing that actually happens.

exhaustion

I would be really good at this if it was just the daytime stuff I was supposed to do. But even now I am expected to be working. I won't!