on looks

Last night I read this post at Feministe, which is commentary about another post at Creek Running North. It's about something that has always felt wrong to me about what the internets call "fat acceptance": can't we admit that sometimes being really fat is not good while still refusing to blame fat people for what might actually be a social problem? (If you want to hear about how social structures can make people fat, read those posts - though they don't mention having a sit-down job with long hours, and they should.)

But that whole conversation isn't what I'm thinking about - I finished thinking about it last night. This morning I put on a shirt that says "this is what a feminist looks like" and some sexy pants. Then I thought, "Is it OK to be feminist and want people to like how my butt looks?" Then I thought, "That's a stupid question. Of course it is."

The conflict stems from a common reaction to an idea that is actually not so bad. People start from "patriarchal beauty standards are screwed up and unhealthy, and the amount of pressure there is on women to look a certain way is definitely bad." That's completely fine. But then they conclude: "we should never think that some people look better than others." That's unrealistic and, I think, also bad.

People have eyes, and they look at each other. Eyes are just tools - they're not necessarily Tools Of The Patriarchy. Relationships are based partially on sexual attraction, which is based partially on looks. Denying that will just lead to guilt and conflictedness about making visual judgements. But it's possible to make visual judgements that don't reinforce unhealthy ideas of beauty. Just like (going back to how I got on this topic) how it's possible to admit that sometimes fatness is bad without blaming, discriminating against, or being hurtful to the fat people themselves.

time to branch out, BJJ anthropology

I've been saying for a while that I need to start rolling with more & different people in jiujitsu. I'm not going to abandon the regulars - there's just a lot I could learn from certain people I don't often work with. The thing is, I'm shy (especially around people that are better than me at something). And the phenomenon that I call Jiujitsu Face doesn't help.

See, when people are rolling, they try to be relaxed so they don't tire themselves out, and they're usually thinking hard and paying close attention to what's going on. They may also be trying to look cool. This leads to Jiujitsu Face: the characteristic face a person makes during a match. People with Jiujitsu Face often make faces that look disappointed, bored, concerned, or very mildly amused.

Sometimes they continue making their Jiujitsu Face off the mat. Then how do I tell if they're actually disappointed or bored, or if they just made that face so long it got stuck that way? Should I be taking this disappointed, bored, concerned person away from the object of his disappointment? Is what seems to me an enjoyable match during open mat really an imposition?

Of course it's not. Hardly anybody is ever annoyed because somebody wants to roll with them. That's why they're still hanging around during open mat. They'd just leave if they weren't interested in doing any more work. But Jiujitsu Face - even though I have one of my own - fools me into being a little less outgoing. Weird.

expensive things I am not going to buy (at least not now)

1. Important, classic book on electromagnetics. (J. A. Stratton, Electromagnetic Theory, McGraw-Hill, New York, 1941.)
2. Sexy gray sequined pants from The Limited. (2a. Pants in general.)
3. Exciting moonstone bracelet from hippy-dippy fair trade store.
4. As much sushi as usual.
5. New glasses.
   

I'm kind of pouty about this. It's not like my life is really luxurious, but I am weak-willed and like to be smart, pretty, and well-fed.

it just continues on that way

From fmhLisa, posting in Hugo Schwyzer's blog (I rarely agree with the guy, and he often assumes that everyone else's experience has the same meaning as his, but the writing is thoughtful at least):

I changed my name when I married at the ripe-old age of nineteen. But I don't think I'd do so now.

I'm still married to the same lovely man, and much much more committed to him now, after thirteen years and three children.

I'm so glad I married him (even so young) but knowing what I do now, I wouldn't advise nineteen-year-old me to change the name.

Basically, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want to cause a stir within my family, I was only just deciding that I was a feminist at all. But I do feel like I lost something of myself, gave up my own identity, when he was not expected to, nor did he even understand the sacrifice. And it just continues on that way, women giving up stuff and men not noticing until you beat them about the heads with it.

I feel pretty lucky that I am able to refuse to just give things up like this. It is an important point, though, and just because I'm avoiding it in most areas of my life doesn't mean everyone else is as privileged as me. I'll come back to this later.

Edit: originally I said that Amanda at Pandagon had posted that, and it didn't sound right then either. But I was confused by the order of comments & the names of their authors. Sorry, all y'all.

irrepressible

Excitement: B. & I are going to compete in a BJJ tournament in June. We're trying to get F. to compete too, but right now he's saying he just wants to come watch us. I'm a little concerned about that - F. isn't the kind of guy to skip a chance to meet & roll with new people just because there's a little pressure on. Why's he so reticent now? We've gotta get that guy's confidence up.

In the way of preparation for this advenure, the three of us have changed the way we do matches. Normally we start from knees and go until somebody gets tapped out, and don't really keep score. (This is partly because it's often just me and B., and it doesn't make sense to put a time limit on your matches when there's only two of you.) Yesterday we switched it up, with five-minute matches starting from standing, and it forced me to play a lot differently. I'm not strong and big, so I often am not very aggressive in matches, but I found I didn't have so much time for that. Also my takedowns really suck. I learned a lot, though, and we're going to do it again today.

I'm so excited about BJJ. Anytime fighting comes up (and sometimes when it doesn't), sirens go off in my brain: "eeeeeee i get to do bjj this is so exciting!"

I think everyone else is tired of it.

post punk

My hair has faded to a minty, silvery blue-green (I've been swimming a lot). Some people say it looks "industrial." Maybe it looks a little verdigris-ish, but I was surprised by that.

Yesterday, a BJJ seminar. I learned a lot of great techniques. Also, the guy (visiting from Phoenix, originally from Brazil) talked hilariously about sex all the time. I liked that he swore a lot, though. It let me forgive a little bit of his interesting opinions about ladies.

plumb tuckered out

I swam for the first time in a month or so yesterday. It took a little of the fire out of my jiujitsu later in the day, but I am trying to swim more frequently so that doesn't happen. To that end, I planned on swimming today, but I couldn't make myself do it. I've got reasons - I didn't get a lot of sleep and wanted to go home and nap, I was hungry, my legs were sore . . . but I think all of those things would have been improved by a little time in the pool. Oh well. I'll work out on land tonight, test the water again tomorrow.

(I wrote my first lecture ever today! I think I should have taken maybe twice as long to give it - I definitely went too fast - but it was very informative anyway.)

Compliments

I was on the quad today, just minding my own business buying a delicious popsicle (paleta, actually), when some guys gave me these:


These days there is no such thing as me minding my own business. I mostly enjoy it - not many people go out of their way to say they disapprove of my [green] hair, but plenty of them tell me they dig it. A few people, perhaps struck dumb by my stylishness, can only manage "Hey! Ayyy, green!" - sometimes I smile and wave, other times I tell them I already knew about that. I think looking unusual makes people more willing to approach me. People on the bus, on the street, in the hallway at work, at jiujitsu class, at the park, and at the grocery store all have an opinion. Everybody on the street normally (when my hair is brown) just avoids eye contact. In some ways, this is a lot better.

I recently had to send in a businesslike picture of myself, and I sent that one . . . after converting it to black and white.

I'm like many other martial artists: I wish women would take up fighting sports more. I am actually a little lonely on the mat. Thing is, if I wasn't already into it I don't think I would want to take up martial arts, because I'm put off by the way people market these arts to women. Every ad you see for women's martial arts classes mentions self defense, and I don't believe that's a good way to get women interested for the long haul. "Self defense" is good for selling a weekend seminar, but for something that takes as much time and effort as real martial arts training it's not good motivation. These ads boil down to "study martial arts or you might get raped."

I still might get raped! I am getting pretty good at this fighting thing, but there's always someone who can defeat you. I'm not learning martial arts for self-defense. I spend as much time on martial arts as I might spend on a part-time job because I'm having a good time, not because some ad obliquely threatened me.

Girls just want to get jobs

Citing a recent study by two psychologists (one of them Martin E. P. Seligman, author of Learned Optimism), Washington Post education reporter Jay Mathews called attention to evidence that self-discipline—in particular, a capacity for deferred gratification—may be the best predictor of academic success, better than IQ: Do your homework, and plenty of practicing, before you watch television or sit down to play Xbox. That sounds, I know, like irresistible grist for an argument about whether and why girls might have an innate gift for just that kind of goody-goody, grindlike behavior, but let's not start it. It's a disservice to girls to portray them as destined for diligence, as though conscientious effort were a second-rate recourse for slower or steadier minds, rather than what is really is: a crucial choice that helps ensure long-term success. And it's an even bigger disservice to boys and their college prospects to reinforce the idea that discipline and self-denial are sissy stuff.

This from the end of an article in Slate on the recent ballyhoo about boys not doing their homework. It used to be girls who were too easily distracted to be well-suited for the rigorous academic life. Girls: irrational, emotional, unreliable, college-bound. What goes around comes around, fellas.

dementia pugilistica (in which I talk about fighting)

Recently I've been trying to find girls who want to take up brazilian jiujitsu. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I haven't had much luck. I want some company, and somebody else to help keep the ex-wrestlers in line (they need an ass-kicking periodically or they get uppity). There would be plenty of benefit for the hypothetical girl in question: muscles, fun, confidence, all that.

I just think girls need to get rid of the weakness mindset. I'm proud of my (still baby-size) muscles! They look nice! I'm proud that I could beat some people in a fight. And I'm having a good time. Who cares if it's not ladylike to get all sweaty. At least I'm not prancing around in spandex, stretching and making eyes at men lifting weights. Especially since the gyms I have access to are dominated by college students, that's a pretty common activity around here.

I've noticed that there are two styles of bjj-ers at my school. Especially among the white belts, there are a lot of ex-wrestlers, and they tend to be stronger than average so their matches involve a lot of big motions and powering through techniques. Then there are people who try to operate with a little more finesse - some are ex-wrestlers that got more skilled, but a lot of them are people like me: smaller than average, so they don't have the option of bench-pressing a guy and they have to do everything right. (Not that I do everything right - it's just that if I want to win I have to do everything right. I still lose a lot.) I've recently been avoiding the ex-wrestlers because they're tiring, but I guess that's something I'd better learn to handle.

There are some blogs out there written by women who box that I find encouraging: Brutal Women and Knife Fight are what I've come across so far. What I'm into isn't exactly boxing, but they seem to encounter the same attitudes about women and fighting that I've been thinking about. Truth is, it's a little bit solitary, being a lady fighter. Maybe it would help if I lived in a bigger city.

dumb as a wooden chicken

I have a cold and a new apartment. The apartment is swank and spacious. The cold is highly evolved. If colds were a good thing I would be proud of this one's quality; as it is, I can only say that about the apartment.

I found a webpage where the Chinese swearing in Firefly is translated, and it turns out to actually be swearing. This helps, because the actors' pronunciation is not very good - I wouldn't enjoy looking it up myself. This link is mostly so I can check back when I have time to learn swear words and other impolite things.

everything looks brighter when

Poking around this morning, I came across a review of a book of letters Richard Feynman wrote, collected by his daughter and published recently. It reminds me: I have a lot of books lined up to read. Now I've got to add this to it, as well:

You say you are a nameless man. You are not to your wife and to your child. You will not long remain so to your immediate colleagues if you can answer their simple questions when they come into your office. You are not nameless to me. Do not remain nameless to yourself—it is too sad a way to be. Know your place in the world and evaluate yourself fairly, not in terms of the naïve ideals of your own youth, nor in terms of what you erroneously imagine your teacher's ideals are.

Best of luck and happiness.

Sincerely,

Richard P. Feynman

I already had his Lectures on Physics on the list. These days I read the first thirds of books and then don't have time to finish them, and that's what happened the last time I tried to read those. Also on the list:

1. Gravity's Rainbow (also afflicted with First Third Disease)
2. Remembrance of Things Past
   
3. Ulysses (this one has First Few Pages Disease)
   
4. Analytical Mechanics, 4th ed. (this one is tangentially related to a project)
5. A book on optics whose name escapes me
6. The Feynman Lectures on Physics (this may have been the original carrier of First Third Disease - an especially virulent strain, since this has three volumes and I read the first third of each)
7. Norwegian Wood (I've been reading Murakami books off and on for a while now)
   

There are others, too, but clearly I've got my work cut out for me.

say it ain't so

My friend D. made some comments a few days ago that have been bouncing around in my head for a while now: "Why are you guys trying to add standing meditation, ground fighting, push hands, [. . .] to ksw when it doesn't actually contain those things? People who saw your demo and signed up knew what they wanted and were getting into. Why try to remake ksw when other things already exist that do what you want?"

Could it be true? Could our students really care more about looking cool than learning how to use their bodies effectively or developing practical fighting skills? Is that why the kind of person who joins the ksw club is not the same as me, T., B., or the kind of person who studies bjj or tj? Is that why we have so much trouble with bad attitudes among them?

I mean, I know what I want to learn. I've started to realize that studying ksw will probably not get me very far with that, so I've picked up other things. But I've been kind of assuming that the students want to learn those things too, so I've been passing on some of what I think helps. Maybe they don't want it, though.

I'm collaborating with this optics professor on an experiment right now while I simultaneously take a class on optics from him, and I'm starting to think I'd like to do more optics-related work. Maybe it's just because I get along with the guy, but there are also some really cool problems in the field.

I've been back here for a month, and I am still spending a lot of time reexamining whether I still want to do what I have been doing all along. Both parts of this post are related to that.

walking back to you is the hardest thing I could do (for you)

KSW has been crazy recently. That's what happens when you gut your old routine and re-make it in a different image. Some of the changes are good - we have this whole team-teaching thing going on, we're planning practices beforehand, and we worked in some practice time for ourselves. Awesome. Things run more smoothly and we get better. Some of the changes had unforeseen consequences, though. We got more relaxed about etiquette, and all of a sudden people were nagging us to promote them or teach them more stuff, getting defensive when we said they needed to work on something, dissing each other, and complaining when we made them drill something more than twice. Not Cool At All. We gotta get these kids some manners.

It makes me miss Boulder. I wasn't responsible for that kind of thing over there. I kept myself to myself, and my job was just to learn shit. Very simple. I did worry that F. and others would think I was uppity for wanting to speed up because I knew a little bit already, but I think everything worked out - I took the beginner class, and if I already knew it it was still something I could stand to drill. Then I went to open practice and people stopped thinking I was so much of a poseur when I said I knew a little. That's one big advantage to bjj. It keeps you honest. If you are not good at it, it will show when you lose to everybody. Of course, I lost to nearly everybody, but that's not so bad for a beginner. Losing is like resurrection - only in losing can you find eternal winning... or at least learn what they did to tap you out.

Oh, I found a bjj club here. Guess what I'm doing all the time now.

maps (my kind's your kind)

I'd been in Boulder for two months before I actually arrived here. Used to wishing I could get out of here, I've been tripped up: just about a week ago I realized there is something I'm going to miss. I even decided to try to come back. It's not for the job or the mountains - I will be sad to leave the jiujitsu school.

For me, and I think for a lot of other people who do a lot of martial arts, there's a specific kind of connection you make to some of the people you train with. To explain it I have to tell a story.

I've been here on this internship, and the way this happened is a little odd and unlikely; I didn't exactly apply in the usual sense. I was going about my grad-schooly business, and I gave a talk at a conference. A guy who works here remembered it, and that is how I got this job. It didn't make sense to me until I realized that seeing me do a talk will tell someone a lot more about me than meeting me at an interview. In 20 minutes they see what I work on, how well I communicate, how I respond to questions, and in general whether I've got a lick of sense or not.

A grappling match contains a lot of information about a person, similarly condensed. If they know a ton more than you, are they the kind to flaunt it and kick your ass in 15 seconds, or do they give you a chance to try some things, maybe point out where you go wrong, and then they win? Do they think it's better to lose a good match than to win a bad one? Are they careful, or are you afraid they'll break your arm? If you don't know a lot, are they too cool to roll with you, or will they take a minute to help you out? This stuff doesn't just tell you what kind of martial artist they are, it tells you a lot about what kind of person they are.

So I feel like I know a lot of great people from bjj here: nearly everyone is respectful, laid back, badass, approachable, and trustworthy. Some schools have a couple of really macho guys that ruin it for everybody else by confusing their training with their egos, but if those guys exist here they're outnumbered and outclassed.

For some reason it took me two months to get around to hanging out with anybody, though. I've been trying to cram all the fun into a single week, and I'm exhausted & flighty because of it. I lost my keys and got locked out of my house twice this week, but it was kind of fun. I'm pretty comfortable just looking somebody up and kickin' it until the roommates come home - what would I do in my apartment anyway?

The problem with all this is, I'm leaving today. Doing what you planned to do is sometimes the hardest thing.

This dj kills fascists

Far in the future, but in the works nonetheless: a Labor Party for Labor Day. What would such a party entail, do you think?

(a dj is not a machine, I know, but ok.)

T-R-A I-N-W R-E-C-K-Y

MCCLELLAN: I’m well aware, like you, of what was previously said. And I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation…

QUESTION: (inaudible) when it’s appropriate and when it’s inappropriate?

MCCLELLAN: If you’ll let me finish.

QUESTION: No, you’re not finishing. You’re not saying anything.
You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke about Joseph Wilson’s wife. So don’t you owe the American public a fuller explanation. Was he involved or was he not? Because contrary to what you told the American people, he did indeed talk about his wife, didn’t he?

our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow

I'm homesick. I want to eat neighborhood food, hear my house's noises, walk under all my old trees.

that right ain't shit

The problem with the supreme court is that it stays however you put it pretty much until somebody dies.

In other news, ICSG may not actually leave town after all, and work is intellectually cool and progressing satisfactorily. I still kind of want to go home; things there are cheaper (and for the most part just as good), I have more friends, I don't have to drive so much, etc etc. I am also looking forward to the drive home, during which I insist upon stopping at Saleem's. Matt visited this weekend and that kind of made it worse - it is like how being hungry gets worse if you have a snack, or maybe (though I don't know this firsthand) how keeping a vow of silence is harder if you accidentally say "Oh shit."